Japanda, Ken Watanabe, and Me

huh...

2010-01-12T18:50:00.000-08:00

My life must be pretty boring if I don't update for like two months.

The only reason I write now is because I saw Heather write on Eric's wall, "dude you haven't blogged in FOREVER."

And I was like, "Oh yeah... neither have I."

I renamed my blog to "Japanda, Ken Watanabe, and Me" cause the former title, "despair's diary" didn't seem to fit anymore. I'm not depressed anymore (for now), which is good. I think a break from school and stress really helped. Unfortunately school starts again in a week... *tear*

But I get to see Margerine. :D And all of my friends! Which is the highlight.

I have to buckle down though and get serious this semester. I got a C+ in BioE 102, which basically killed my GPA for the semester. Now there's very little hope I'll get a decent GPA by graduation... ugh.

But it sucks cause I feel like I tried pretty hard in all my classes. But I end up getting average... stupid engineering.

I have to try harder in my research stuff too. I was just fooling around all of last semester and got like no work done. I read some papers but that was about it. I didn't have any substantial results... maybe my research professor wants me to transfer to another professor... I dunno. I feel unwanted. T____T

and yeah. that's about it.

Just ate some nice Thai food.

And I need to finish A Brief History of Time before break is over!

round and round

2009-11-22T00:56:00.000-08:00

quiet weekend. can't wait til thanksgiving. I need a break. And being home is nice.

things have been pretty good lately. just been hanging out with the misses and chillin'. definitely not as stressful as it was during midterm season. although I still need to worry about two projects before finals. -____- gonna have to work on those during thanksgiving break.

the BioE 150 project is pissing me off. the professor wants us to think of a "creative, original, and logical proposal" that has to do with molecular machines or devices relating to bionanoscience. But seriously, creative and original? I get logical, but the other two are annoying. I'd rather do a review of some papers already existing. It's hard to think of something new when researchers everywhere are already doing basically everything possible.

cjc is going alright... gonna have officer "elections" soon. hopefully that goes well. i think we have like 4 new candidates so far. and i think most of the old officers are staying.
theta tau hell week is right now. we're burning the pledges up with all the crazy activities we have for them. tomorrow's gonna be epic. we have a prof dev event in SF that should be fun. hehe.

well, the original reason I started this post is because I wanted to write about how much I liked this new song called "Please Don't Go" by CL & Minzy of 2NE1. It's really catchy, especially the rap verse. I dunno what it is about the electronica beat, but it's SO GOOD.

I should really keep doing dance and start going to electonic parties. i feel like i have all these opportunities to do what i want, but i keep procrastinating... need to work on that.

tired of waiting

2009-11-16T00:50:00.000-08:00

omgggg, I bought clothes again. =___=

I thought about it for a long time though. And went through all of the different options. I thought I wasn't gonna buy clothes again while I was in the U.S. But that was before I found out about Yes Style. hehe.

Now I can get Asian-style clothes whenever I want!

I just got this pullover with a cowl, epaulet cotton jacket, long cardigan, cool jeans, and a white dress shirt. cool stuff. maybe I can be more popular now! *glimmering eyes*

other than the same old same old, there hasn't been too much. theta tau's hell week starts this week, and we're gonna make the pledges do crazy stuff before they can join us. i'm sure they'll have fun along the way. either that, or we'll force them to have fun (tears of joy indeed).

CJC is choosing new officers soon! time passes by so quickly. I can't believe the semester's over in like... 3 weeks. I'm gonna be 90 years old before I realize it. I hope I at least get a flying car before I die.

We just finished this massive project for BioE 150. And we're presenting it tomorrow. We had to rush to finish a lot of our stuff at the end. But it should turn out well.
And the BioE 102 project is going along alright. We still have a while, but we need to get serious and start writing things up soon.
As far as my research goes, it's been sort of my fault things aren't progressing. I need to put more time into it, but it feels like another class to me. If nothing's assigned, I don't really feel the need to put effort in. I've got to change that.

This busy schedule keeps me sane though. I've got to admit.

heartbeat

2009-11-09T23:04:00.000-08:00

not too many updates lately. that's how exciting my life is.

I guess there are some things I'm happy about. I just got some new clothes online. This one website called yesstyle.com specializes in Asian-style clothing.

So I got some sneakers and a sweatshirt thing:

So I'm looking forward to getting those in the mail. The site has a LOT of cool clothes. If I had a million dollars, I would probably spend half of it buying a huge wardrobe from that site. hahaha.

Jordi wants to borrow my MATLAB book but I'm not going to let him until he kind of looks sad. lol. He walked away sadly. Yeah, I gave it to him.

Anyway, yeah. School is over in a month. It's crazy. I don't feel like I've learned much this semester. My last midterm this is Thursday, in my MCB class, so I'm preparing for that.

la la la di da da

.....

not much else to say.
I love kpop! a little too much.
I'm freaking out cause jaebeom from 2PM might be coming back to the group. it's still not confirmed, but if it does happen, the world will make sense again.

maybe living through celebrities vicariously is the only excitement i'll ever know.

missing

2009-10-18T23:56:00.001-07:00

I'm a little sad tonight. Maybe cause I feel like I've done something wrong. Or maybe I'm stressed out with the numerous projects coming up...
I just want to smile again.

At least I finally got some sleep this weekend. I really needed that.
But even then, I feel like I'm not enjoying myself... I don't know what to do to have "fun".

What am I missing?

does it mean anything

2009-10-17T16:45:00.001-07:00

Does it mean anything if I say I'm sorry? I hold this guilt in my heart.

done for a little while

2009-10-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

I finished my midterm craziness today. Had two midterms. ugh.
But it went pretty well. I'm glad it did. I've been studying since Saturday, and if I don't do well on this, there's no hope for me. haha... (*painful laugh*).

And now I'm done for like 3 weeks. I need to get back to my research and club stuff. My body is just so tired though. It's like, no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired. Probably a psychological sense of tired. Tired of the same schedule and studying and such. Walking the same paths everyday. Things like that.

But things are better now than they were a while ago. I think it might be because of the medicine. No telling what kind of hell I'd be in right now without it. I should really exercise more too. I heard that's a good way to release endorphins and stuff.

But yes. Life is slowly chugging along. I just wish I could be satisfied with the way things are. But I always yearn for more. Even if I do well on these tests, it won't be enough. Even if I get more material possessions, it won't be enough. Maybe I just need to spend more time around people.

But then why do I enjoy being alone so often?

90%

2009-10-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

I realized I'm not in a good mood like 90% of the time.

Sorry, Jordi.

dying

2009-10-07T23:51:00.001-07:00

god, I hate my life. honestly.

I hate complaining. But I feel like it's the only thing in my power. Something I can do.

We had our BioE 102 midterm today, and it was awful. Seriously awful. I had to guess on basically everything. But just on top of that, there are so many things that are just pissing me off or making me sad. Nothing is making me happy.

I'm so sick of this happy/sad/mad MOOD shit that I keep ranting about. Is this what my life has come to? Complaining?

I don't know what to say right now. I just opened up this post to see if I can get my frustration out. But what am I supposed to say? I wish I could do well in school, research, and love life. That's basically it. But these feelings inside of me are just burning. I can't describe it. But just seething inside of me. I'm so sick of everything.

I was thinking of buying a noose today. I was going to go buy it, but I think the store was already closed. I'd probably regret it right after purchasing anyway. But just having that option there for me makes me feel like I have some control. Even just a little. A gun's too expensive also. I thought seppuku would be a pretty baller (albeit painful) way to go out.
But I dunno. Every time I mention stuff like this, my friends freak out. So I don't say it. But I want to say it. Who do I say it to? Myself? That doesn't help me. I'm assuming a lot of people think "It's just Tomoya being emo again". And it probably is. I probably won't ever harm myself, but sometimes I wish I would. Just to feel like I've accomplished something.

Just when I thought these pills were helping me... Maybe I need to try some other method. Or maybe I just need to sleep and recover.

Sometimes I wonder how peaceful it would be if I never woke up.

drugged

2009-09-27T23:53:00.001-07:00

I feel good today. Probably cause of the drugs. At this high dosage, there's no way I can be sad. But at the same time, I truly feel like I'm just tricking myself into being happy. When things aren't that happy. But whatever. As long as I can carry on.

My head hurts though. I can't tell if it's a normal headache or if the serotonin levels in my brain are exploding cause there are too many in the synapse at once. I'M GOING CRAZY. lol. no, not really. but that would be a funny sitcom plot.

no, it wouldn't.

I didn't do so well on my MCB test... I was really expecting to do well. I studied a lot. But once again, I probably studied the wrong way. I got a few points under the average... so not so good. I still have the next 2 midterms, but I have to learn how to improve my study habits. It's annoying how it just won't click with me.

I wonder how long this euphoria will last.

Probably not long enough.

planet

2009-09-27T02:41:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling a bit better now. But not by much. I still wonder what it is that I'm doing. I'm having that sense of self-awareness that I had back in January/February...

I went to Heather's orchestra performance today (good job, Heather!). It was nice. Probably the first time I've been to a classical performance by choice. The time before that was for a class in high school, or my parents took me. Either way, I usually fell asleep. But I was awake the whole time for this one. Even for the adagio.

I looked at the musicians in the orchestra. They seemed so accomplished. So full of life. They had something that I felt like I didn't have. The girl who did the solo violin was amazing. And I wonder why I don't have a passion like she does. I mean, my clubs are cool and all. But I don't really have any "skills". I wish I did though. Just another thing that I feel like is missing from me.

I met my psychiatrist earlier this week and he said I should up the dose again. I think it's not the max dose, but almost there. I really hope it works. Cause I've been feeling crappy. So crappy, in fact, that I started listening to post-hardcore music again. I kind of got out of it in the past couple months and switched to KPop. But now I'm back to that screamy, angry stuff again. Because, well, that's how I feel. Sometimes I feel like screaming out loud and getting all my frustrations out. But I stay quiet. Worried that some neighbor would think I'm crazy or call the cops on me or something.

I don't really know how to deal with my stupid, stupid problems. I need to learn to cope with them though, cause it seems like they're going to affect me for the rest of my life. I have to learn to be strong.

I yearn for some physical bonding. Not sexual. But sentience. I guess the main issue I have is that I am too self-critical. And as a result, I need constant approval from others. Like others are always judging me and I need some sort of signal that things are okay. That I'm accepted. So I have a lot of insecurity issues. And as a result of that, maybe I need to "feel" love. Not just have it in my heart, but feel it on my skin. To hold hands or kiss. Things like that. Gestures and actions speak loudly. And they make me feel better inside.

Now that I think about it, I feel like everything I do is centered around my insecurity. I started doing CJC because I wanted to get back to my roots and not have people judge me for my broken Japanese. I wanted to become like one of "them" and be accepted amongst other Japanese. I joined Theta Tau because I wanted to get more connections with grad school and internships and stuff like that. Similar with my research, I started that cause I felt like it was necessary for grad school. And eventually, grad school is a way to alleviate my insecurity of getting a job. And getting a job is to alleviate my insecurity of paying the bills and living life. And having a wife and children. Maybe when I have children, I'll be able to say, "DONE!" Like I've accomplished what I was put on this planet to do.

But what do I need to do to become more secure? To stop being insecure? I feel like it's too late. Like it's ingrained in me. Deep. A part of me that was built from childhood. I wonder where it stems from?

Anyway, I just want to feel the warmth and security of a girl. But is there a way to feel that physical closeness without having a relationship? Or maybe I can find an alternative to this situation? I'm afraid I have no answers.

i dream of a better time

2009-09-25T00:35:00.001-07:00

today was awful. I haven't been this depressed in a very long time.

It's partly (or mostly) due to the alcohol I drank last Friday. Apparently alcohol has adverse effects when taking prozac. Note to self: never drink again.

But honestly. Honestly. I am not faring well. I am not happy. I am not content with myself or my surroundings. I am super depressed. And I have all the notable symptoms too. Lack of appetite, loss of pleasure/interest, loss of motivation, irritability, fatigue, suicidal thoughts. It goes on and on.

I dunno. It's a mix of emotions. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have no direction. I don't know what I'm going on day to day for. I go to class, come home, eat, sleep, and then do it over again. I'm not having fun in my classes, or in my lab. Or with my friends. Or doing anything at all. Even my clubs. I feel like I'm just participating. doing things. but I'm not enjoying them. I'm never enjoying myself. I always feel tense. Like someone is always judging me. But then I realize that that person is me. It's only me that's judging my actions so intently. I'm watching myself closely, so that when I make a mistake, I can criticize myself harshly for it. What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't really know what to do to make me happy. I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to. Although, I'm doing that as it is with schoolwork and all. But I don't want to pick up a hobby or play a sport or exercise or do some other shit that I don't want to, just cause I should. I just want to be happy with my life right now. But I can't. I literally, physically can't. I just can't get myself to accept me for who I am. I always have to be better. to strive further. I overlook all of my good attributes and blow up the smallest faults.

I used to think that having a girlfriend would help me. I still do, actually. But I feel like it's just a way for me to escape from this world. To feel some release. I feel like the only time I was ever truly happy was when I was in love. I felt like I didn't have a care in the world. And that nothing could hurt me. And that things weren't as bad.

I want to go back to that time. honestly. To feel a physical bond with someone. Because too much more of this, and I might just lose the will to live. Actually, I'm already pretty much at that point.

ile-cys-arg-tyr

2009-09-22T01:06:00.000-07:00

i felt hella depressed today, especially after classes. for like, no real reason. but it was cold. and i felt like i could have used some warmth.

maybe the aftereffects of the alcohol are showing. i made a terrible decision in drinking.

i don't know what i can actively do to be happy. i feel like nothing will work. i always idealize a romantic relationship as the way to effectively cure (more like delay) any depression I have. Maybe I just need a release from all the stress...
Even when I'm not stressed out though, I still feel depressed sometimes. I don't feel excited by the same things I used to. i feel like i'm drudging on day after day for no real purpose.

I'm just wallowing in my self-pity with these stupid posts. but honestly, I just want to find a way out of this mess. it'd be better for me and everyone around me.

why did i fall in love with you

2009-09-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

sometimes I feel like sorrow is my default condition and that I'm fighting against some inevitable sadness. like an uphill battle to gain some understanding of how to be happy.

is the happiness I feel that fake? cause it feels like the brightest days give some sort of hope, but the darkness of these cold nights leave deep scars that the transient hope can't fix.

i pass by places that remind me of those times in the past. and i feel a tear form. not flowing. but just a few drops. as if i'm too tired to even cry.

what is all of this?

i put too many expectations on myself and the things that I feel like I deserve. but just because I want it, doesn't mean it's going to show. That's faith. And faith is ignorance.
maybe this whole girl obsession is just a way for me to cope with my seriousness. That's what I tell myself. I just want to revert to a state where I can be vulnerable. But I can't be vulnerable. even around friends, I get quiet. And I sit in the corner. I don't know what it means to be happy anymore. I know that sounds dumb. Maybe I'm an idiot.

I just want to feel a girl's embrace. And feel like someone cares for what I think. But people are too busy with their own lives. And who am I to be so greedy? I don't do shit for other people. I try, but the best I can do is club stuff or something like that. I'm a fucking failure.

I have no direction, and I can't help but feel like there's no point of going on.

I'm dying inside.

frost

2009-09-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm hoping I won't be too depressed in the coming months.

Cold weather reminds me of better times.

jaebeom

2009-09-08T22:36:00.001-07:00

Life is going at a pretty good pace right now. I've been busy this semester with clubs; I'd say even more than last year. But my classes are more lax too. So I'm not as freaked out.

Cal Japan Club is going well. We just had our First General Meeting last Friday. I was expecting like... 30 people to show up. Mostly cause CJC is so small and because it was a Friday night. Good thing people are like me and don't have anything better to do. We had 55 people show up!!! And the room was only for 50. With the 8 officers, we had around 63 people in that room, totally overflowing. I felt nervous about my presentation, but got through it somehow. People said it was really informative and organized. I showed the slideshow that I had put together of CJC pictures, and people liked that a lot. I'm glad, I put a lot of time into that thing.
And we'll be having our Welcome Party this Friday at a local restaurant. I'm guessing around 100 people will come. Hopefully. Any more than that and it's gonna get hectic. But yes, CJC is growing. And doing well.

Theta Tau Info Night was tonight, and that went well also. At the end of the powerpoint presentation, we showed my video that I made. It summarized our events from last semester. It was really, really epic. But funny too. People liked that also. Sometimes I wonder if I should give up bioengineering and go into film studies. I'm sure it'd be a lot easier...

Anyway, other than that, I just have classes going on. I only have one lab this semester, BioE 102 lab, but it only takes like an hour to finish (out of the 3 hours allotted). And I have a lot of time for research.

SPEAKING of research, it hasn't picked up yet... I'm supposed to be working on the microscope that's supposed to come in from England. But it wasn't there yet last Friday. Hopefully it'll be there tomorrow.

I seriously need to talk about stuff other than my classes and my clubs. But sometimes I feel like those are the only things that define my life right now. They keep me busy. And they keep me from going insane in my loneliness.

One thing that I was really pissed off about... wait. No, I'll say something good first. I GOT AN AUTOGRAPHED CD FROM THE WONDER GIRLS!!! Actually, I'll rephrase that. I bought a limited edition autographed cd from the wonder girls that goes to the first 1000 customers who bought it on pre-sale. It also comes with a wonder girls laptop case. I don't know when the cd is going to be shipped, but I can't wait.

OKAY. Onto the horrific news. As most of you know, I'm an avid fan of KPop. And if you are too, then I'm sure you've heard the terrible news about Jaebeom of 2PM. Jaebeom was (and in my heart still is) the leader of 2PM, a popular KPop boy band. They did a lot of hip-hop/electronica based music that was really catchy and their songs hit #1 on the charts. 2PM was expecting to make a return this Fall with their first full album.

BUT. Some Korean netizens (internet citizens) decided to ruin it all by creating a scandal. These netizens went to Jaebeom's old myspace account and found wall posts that he had written back in 2005. In these wall posts, he had said mean things about Korea, especially one phrase that said, "Korea is gay." He was a trainee at the time and was having a tough time living in Korea (he was born and raised in the U.S.). This news about his comments was spread all over the internet and a lot of people became outraged. Critics wanted Jaebeom to quit 2PM and music altogether. Some even had to nerve to sign a petition that said Jaebeom should commit suicide. It was intense, as far as I can tell. Jaebeom issued an apology and his entertainment company originally said that he and 2PM were going to lay low until the scandal passed by. But then... Jaebeom decided to leave 2PM. This news came out last night here in the states and it was the most shocking thing I've read in a long time. He got on a plane a couple hours ago and came back to America (where he was born). The netizens blew this scandal out of proportions and made it too big for Jaebeom to handle. And he quit. And now, 2PM will never be the same.

I saw a video earlier of fans at the airport begging and crying Jaebeom not to leave as he boarded his plane for the U.S.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8GLDXq9ApM

I just feel so angry that stupid anti-fans (or antis, as they're called) have to ruin things for other people. Honestly, why would they spend some much time hating a group? 2PM was still so young and had so much potential. They were one of my favorite groups. But now they're leaderless and no one knows what's gonna happen next.

Not to mention DBSK had some rumors of disbanding. And Kim Hyun Joong of SS501 got swine flu? This world is crazy.

solids and fluids

2009-09-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

I'm too busy for anything and everything.

I do club stuff, and then I study/do hw. Then I take a break by doing more club stuff. On and on. That's basically how it goes.

It's only a matter of time before I explode.

ennui?

2009-08-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the most boring person in the world.

Whenever people are talking, even close friends, I tend to stay away from conversation. Be a little anti-social. But I don't know why. Maybe I take comfort in being alone. But that's not true. I hate being alone.

I do all these club activities and meet people all the time so that I can build a better social network. But I've noticed that I'm really not that well off. I have some close friends, like my roommate and Oh Sketch. But for all the acquaintances I have, there are very few of those I could call my real friends. I end up eating lunch alone most days. Dinner too.

Sometimes I feel like social interactions are just a way of distracting people from their work. But work's purpose is to make a better society, is it not? I find this dilemma confusing.

I've been really stressed out the past couple days because of club stuff. My classes are surprisingly lax (for now). I just have a bit of reading for biophysical chem. Some annoying HW was assigned for BioE102, but it's pretty short. And BioE150 doesn't have a textbook or any reading. Also, classes were canceled today and again tomorrow.
The club stuff is insane though. I've been putting my all into Cal Japan Club. Being president is a lot harder than I imagined it to be. There are a million little things that have to be done in order for things to go smoothly. And a lot of the time, things don't go as planned. I guess I'll have to learn how to go with the flow when the time comes. So yesterday I was making the powerpoint and slideshow for the First General Meeting coming up this Friday. That took a couple hours.
Then, for Theta Tau, people are expecting me to make the welcome video for this semester's rush. I mean, I like making videos, but I wish I could have gotten some help. But I've been promising to put something together all summer, so I guess it's my fault.

I just want to drop it all though and take a deep breathe. I'm tired.
It's times like these that I wish I had a gf so that I could take my mind off things and relax a little bit. But that's a terrible reason to have a gf. As I've learned the hard way.

page after page

2009-08-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

Hey! School's here!

It hasn't been so bad thus far. I've only had one class, BioE 102 lecture, this morning. My schedule's actually pretty lax; I have a lot of free time. I'll probably fill that up with research soon enough though.

I've actually been fairly busy for the past couple days doing stuff for Cal Japan Club. I'm president this semester, and let's just say I didn't think it would be this much work. I have to end up writing or designing stuff because no one else can or everyone else is busy. Stuff like that. I need to get better at delegating tasks. Our first general meeting is coming up, then our welcome party. I'm hoping those will go well. I've been working hard to prepare good publicity material and to organize tabling, with the help of the VP.

Anyway, I'm taking BioE 102, BioE 150, and MCB C100A this semester. Yup, only three classes. The research thing I'm doing, BioE 198 is technically a class too, I guess. It counts for 3 units. But I feel like it'll be a lot of personal time, so I don't consider it a real "class". I'm looking forward to this semester. The lecture I had this morning wasn't that stimulating (mostly because of the professor), but the material is really cool. I'm actually reading the book right now, and it's really interesting. I could keep reading this and enjoy myself.

Maybe that means that this is what I was meant to do. BORN TO DO...

OH COME ON

2009-08-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

I want to cry. Well, not really. But you know what I mean.

God, I am so unhappy right now. Not sorrowful, crying sad. More of a depressed, annoyed sad. I looked on bspace today and saw that I had a B in EE100. WTF. I was overjoyed just a couple days ago cause I got an A- on my final. But my instructor decided to give me a B? What the hell. I distinctly remember him saying that he'd be willing to bump up the weight of my final over my midterm if I improved. I went from a C+/B- on the midterm to an A- on the final. I think that's pretty significant. But no... he didn't do a damn thing. So I ended up with a B. I am so pissed. I sent an e-mail to him earlier today, but he has yet to get back to me. I think it might be too late to change grades as it is. But I feel like I deserve better. At least a B+. I screwed up on the midterm, which is my fault of course, but I put my everything into doing better. And now my GPA fell because of that. GRRRRRRRR.

My GPA is bad enough as it is. I was reading up on grad schools and it says a lot of them need around 3.0-3.3 for a masters degree and a 3.3-3.5 for a Ph.D. I know that my upper div bioengineering courses will matter more toward my applications, but at the rate I'm going now, I'll just end up getting more B's and C's in my science courses. If I try my hardest and it's still not enough, I don't know what to do...

Anyway, I'm just kind of pissed off right now cause my instructor "promised" something he didn't follow through with. If he isn't going to shift the weights around in the end, he shouldn't have announced that he was going to in class... UGH.

I was looking forward to Fall semester, but now I'm sort of not. I just want to feel better about myself somehow.

ho ho ho, it's august

2009-08-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

Oh daym. It's the 17th already. And I've only written like 5,6 posts this month. Gotta catch up!

I'm in North Lake Tahoe right now with family. It's really nice. Summer school ended last Friday and I went home right away (thanks for the ride Jordi).

I'm in a good mood right now cause I went on bspace and found out I totally owned the final in EE100. I got a 76/100, with an average of 59 and SD of 15. So I got 2 points above an SD. Which I consider owning. It's like an A-. I was really worried cause I got like a C on the midterm. I was freaking out ever since then. But with this final and my good scores on the homework and labs, I think Jesse will be nice enough to give me an A- or perhaps a B+. It makes me feel better about myself. Plus I think I have an A in Psych. So my GPA should definitely go up.

Here in Lake Tahoe, I've been just chillin' mostly. Eating good food and talking with the family. We went jet skiing today. I first though jet skiing was the thing where you held onto a stick and a boat pulled you and you skiied on the water. I wasn't really down with that, so I wasn't very excited. But it turns out a jet ski is like a water motorcycle. It was AMAZING. I went like 65 MPH on my jet ski across the waters of Lake Tahoe. it was so fun. I got soaked crashing against waves. haha.
Been watching some movies too. Watched Katyn, Bolt, and Australia. I liked the first two. Australia, which we just finished, wasn't that good... lol...

Anyway, yeah. Life is good when I'm not stressed out.

mulling over

2009-08-13T21:25:00.001-07:00

Oh god, my final is tomorrow.......
I feel ready, but not super ready. I still need to do practice problems. I'll probably look over the old homeworks and then maybe go over other stuff I can find on TBP.
Ugh, I've already been studying for like over 6 hours today though. I'm tired.

But at least it's over tomorrow. And then I go home. My family and I are going to Lake Tahoe for hiking and stuff for a couple days. Should be fun (although I dislike nature most of the time). It's okay though, I'll have my iPhone.

On a different note, I've been thinking about things in the past lately. I tend to do that a lot. Mulling over things or ruminating over mistakes made. it's one of the causes of depression as I learned in psych. I consider myself a good person, but I know for a fact that I've done some mean things in my life. Even when I didn't mean to. And I wish I could apologize to some people. But I feel like it's too late now, like how that song goes. But not as corny. I wish I could right the wrongs I've done or have the wrongs done to me go right. And to make everything clear instead of vague. To cool frustrations and have questions answered. I guess the only thing to do is to try to be a better person from now on. And to let it go. To let the past stay in the past.

hear you me, my friends

2009-08-09T02:11:00.000-07:00

I definitely didn't get as much work done today as I should have.

Woke up at like 2pm cause yesterday was so exhausting. Yesterday (at least the first part) was awful. I had to wake up at 9am to go to EE100 office hours to get help on the homework. I spent over 2 hours there and still didn't finish. I went to lecture after that for 2 hours. I was already tired by then, but then I had to go to lab. We started writing the code for our robot project, but for some stupid reason, our robot wouldn't function as it should have. We checked our code, our connections, and everything in between but it kept messing up. The robot's wheels kept moving regardless of the commands we gave it. It had a mind of it's own. I was so frustrated, I was about to throw something. So we basically got stuck and worked on one thing for the whole 3 hours. And we're still not done. We have to go back next Wednesday to finish the code and solder some pieces. That pissed me off so much.

So then I went to go get dinner at northside asian ghetto, when I ran into peter by coincidence. I got a ride with them to heather's place to make boba and hang out. For the first hour or so, I was too grumpy to socialize with any of them. If any one of them had tried to get me to join in, I might have flipped out and been like, "JUST LET ME EAT... Q&#$*%@#%(". But good thing I didn't. Man, I was super pissy.
It's funny cause my psychiatrist mentioned that there are long-term effects of alcohol. Like major irritation 4-5 days after alcohol consumption. which would make sense cause I drank on monday night. seems like alcohol really isn't doing too good for me.

Anyway, we then played a bunch of card games while we sipped on our homemade boba. I didn't really help make it though. probably should have. My tea + condensed milk + honey concoction was pretty good.

And now it's Sunday. I feel very stressed out about the EE100 final, which is on Friday. Mostly cause I have little leeway in terms of points. I HAVE to do well to get a good grade in the class. And the psych final is on Tuesday. I finished the key terms, but I still have to go over all the example essay prompts. I just hope I get more stuff finished tomorrow.

approaching

2009-08-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day today. I was really irritable. I'm hoping it's not the delayed aftereffects of the drinking from Monday night. First time drinking in like 6 months. I don't understand the most recent EE100 stuff with diodes and transistors so I'm having a hard time doing the homework. I was gonna go to office hours tomorrow, but I have two psychiatrist appointments planned. In which I'll probably mention the alcohol.

Plus I thought about her today. And that made me kind of sad. Looking through the old pictures. I still long for that warm past. No matter how much time passes, that one thing doesn't seem to change.
There are new hers, but I doubt it could ever be the same. I'm too scared to pursue anything. I don't want to get hurt.

But it's not the worst day anyone's had. Today (Aug. 6th) marks the 64th anniversary of the atomic bomb dropping.

My grandpa's survived it and is still alive. But has kidney cancer. I don't know if he'll survive that one (he's in a bad enough condition as it is).

Soon enough, there'll be no more survivors. Just history books to replace them.

I wonder if I'll make it to a book.
I wonder if I'll amount to anything book-worthy.

the weekend is gone

2009-08-03T01:05:00.000-07:00

This has been a very good weekend. I got a lot of relaxing done. It felt like a 3 day cause I basically skipped class Friday. hehe.

All weekend I've been busy messing with my iPhone. I finally jailbreaked it, which allows the user to download 3rd party apps that aren't available normally. It's amazing. I customized everything and it looks so bomb now. I even made the wallpaper an animated slideshow of the SNSD girls from their Genie photoshoot. It took a while to get it to work, but it was worth it. I even downloaded this thing called Appulous, which allows the user to download apps from the appstore for free. Free meaning not paying when you actually should be. But I'm a bad boy like that. I've been playing the full versions of Sally's Spa, The Price is Right, Assassin's Creed, among other games.

I'm getting worried about the EE100 final. It's in less than two weeks now. I haven't started studying yet, but I feel like I should cause I did so badly on the midterm. I'll probably ask Jesse tmrw how I should start.

I got like no work done this weekend. Just reading a little bit for EE100 and reading up on my research stuff. But that's it. Did some cleaning up around the apartment though. I like it when it's clean. We finally got rid of the giant blight of a fort in our living room. I didn't really mind it at first, but now that it's gone, it feels really spacious.

I'm still waiting on my posters from Hong Kong. I ordered them from yesasia.com and they take forever to get here. I think it estimated August 10th when I ordered July 29th. That's like 2 weeks. COME ON! Stupid international shipments.
These are what the posters look like:

I want to hang them up on the still-empty wall on the front end of my bed. Then I'll have my room like... half full. There's so much white space. I wish I could just go out and get a million posters. There are bound to be cheap ones in Japantown or something.

Anyway, I need to oogle at SNSD before I sleep.

girls are drugs

2009-07-31T01:09:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to make sense of why I'm doing what I am.

And by that I mean trying to get into relationships.

Cause as well all know, girls are evil:

I thought of a good metaphor for girls. Drugs. That's right. HARD DRUGS. like cocaine and meth.

let me explain. to me, girls are addicting. I want them, usually in a sexual way. Or as a way to keep me "entertained" or complacent. I feel like drugs do the same thing. Girls make me happy. They make me feel good, both physically and emotionally. They fill a void in my life that is otherwise empty. And sometimes I feel depressed without it.

But girls are also detrimental to my health. Drugs are physically damaging. Girls are emotionally damaging. Physical health and emotional health are very interconnected, so it's like the same thing. Girls dump me, making me feel awful. Girls take a lot of effort and do weird things to the chemistry in my body. I feel anxious, like I need to feel like the girl is going to be there for me at all times. I feel dependent on girls. Like they provide the only real source of happiness.

And then there are the withdrawal symptoms. Horrible withdrawal symptoms of deep depression after a girl breaks up with me. An emotional downfall that is like a scar. It can never be fully healed. And in the same way, drugs can hurt you in ways you've never known possible.

So that's kind of why I'm sort of worried. My obsession with girl-hunting is just one way in that I'm slowly hurting myself. But I feel addicted. Like it's an instinct. Cute girls in my classes. I just want to "mate" with. It feels natural to me.

But I need to control myself. Or everything will spiral out of control.

A New Chapter

2009-07-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote.

I moved in with Jordi to my new apartment! It's on northside on Oxford. It's a really nice place and I even decorated my walls really well.

Living with Jordi is fun. Today, our new sofa came. So we spent about 30 minutes building it. I was cleaning up the scraps and trash afterwards, and that's when Jordi decided to play with the boxes. He spent another 30 minutes building himself a box fort that's shaped like a pentagon. It's impressive. He calls it the People's Republic of Jordi. I need to claim land on the box fort too. I need a good name though. I was thinking "Imperial Empire of Tomoya". And then slowly take over his land for resources.
Anyway, the box fort is taking up most of the living room and is sort of an eyesore. Reminds me of Evans Hall, surrounded by better looking buildings.

My classes are going alright. I talked with my instructor for EE100 today. he's really cool. We spent about an hour talking about how I could improve in the class (cause I had done so poorly on the midterm). He was really chill about it and said he might be able to move some points around if the final is significantly better. Plus I think he gave me a few more points on the midterm.
I turned in my psych paper today. I think it was written pretty well. Good thing I had spread it out over a couple days. Some of my friends started writing the night before and as a result pulled an allnighter. -____-

Other than that... not much to say?

I had dinner with Chrystal just now. It's fun being able to eat out with friends and talk about random stuff. I should do that more often instead of eating alone. lol.

I'm in a better mood than before. Maybe more human contact is good after all.

given up

2009-07-23T17:43:00.000-07:00

I decided to take the day off today. As in I didn't go to class. I only had psych lecture in the morning, but I didn't feel like going. I was really sleepy when the alarm went off. And then I proceeded to sleep another 3 hours.

I don't know. I'm starting to question myself again. It happens every couple of weeks, but this is pretty deep, even for me. I'm beginning to wonder what it is I'm doing. What I'm doing with my life. I get bad grades and it gets me in a really bad mood. But for what? Will my grades really affect what kind of person I become or what kind of job I'm gonna be working at?

I feel like I work pretty hard. But obviously not enough. I always thought I was a bright kid, but lately I've felt like maybe I'm just an average guy. I get average grades (albeit it's berkeley) and I don't have any special talents (speaking Japanese is not a talent). My Japanese, by the way, sucks, and I have a hard time expressing myself a lot of times. I'm sort of having qualms about taking up the position of president this Fall for Cal Japan Club. I don't know if I'll be able to fulfill the role well. I feel like I'll embarrass myself in front of important Japanese people. And alienate them.

I suck at sports. And I don't like them. I go to the gym twice a week or so. But it's just cardio. It's not like I'm good at running. And I can't lift weights very well.

I forget a lot of stuff I've learned in the past. The material from classes just this past spring are falling away and I've completely forgotten critical concepts from organic chemistry, physics, and other classes that I feel like are important.

I started reading my research professor's material, but it feels very advanced and I feel dumb.

I can't play guitar very well anymore. Nor do I feel the need to practice. I can read music, but very very slowly. And I don't understand music theory stuff.

I even suck at dota.

I can't hold down a girlfriend either. I mean, at this point, since I've been dumped like 3 times, I've basically given up hope. And sometimes I cry cause I feel like the good times are over.

Maybe I'm depressed. I don't know. I just don't feel the passion to strive anymore. I feel average and dull. I'm not really that good at anything. I don't feel like there's a reason to keep on going if I'm just another guy. I don't feel promise.

I don't think I can become a professor. I don't think I can win an award of prestige like some kids do. I'll just be another graduating student here. I don't think I've ever won an award of excellence that meant something special. I haven't even gotten a single scholarship. Ever.

People are probably annoyed that I keep writing about this kind of stuff. Being a downer. Wondering why I can't just see the good sides of things. Cause I feel the same when I read other people's posts like that.
But I can't help it. I'm not happy. I want to feel special. Maybe that's why I used to rely on romance so much cause it made me feel needed. Like someone relied on me to be there for them. I feel like the happiest moments of my life were then, when I felt secure and warm and comforted by the fact that we were there for each other.
Right now, I feel like I could die and people wouldn't really care. Not like anyone really comes to see me or I hang out with anybody on a regular basis. Maybe a meal once in a while with an old friend.

If I can't even get good grades in my classes, the one thing I used to fall back on, what's the point? I'm afraid there is none. And that I'm just destined to kill myself before I see the light. I want to make it into adulthood and get a job and raise a family. But sometimes I feel like all of that risk and all of that drama and sacrifice. Isn't worth it.

a couple of things

2009-07-21T23:58:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of things to say.

First of all, I've amazed myself at the fact that I continue to choose the youngest girl in KPop girl groups. This time: Brown Eyed Girls. I picked the cutest one, Ga-in, and it turns out she's the youngest. She's 21 and the rest are 25. 21 is older than me. But the point is, she's the youngest. This is the 4th time this has happened. What the hell.

Second of all, I'm still trying to get over my horrible midterm grade. I'm thinking of how hard I have to try to at least get a B in this class, and I'm not really sure anymore. It's so frustrating cause I felt like I was prepared. I might have a shot at getting an A if I get an A on the final, but that's asking too much. It's sad.

Third, which is a good transition from the last point, my mom doesn't think I should become a professor. Or go for a Ph.D. She didn't say those exact words, but she said I was more inclined to work in industry after grad school. Way to crush my dreams mom. All my life, it's been my dream to become a professor and get super famous in the academic world. And to beat my dad in terms of awards and prestige. I've never been that close with my dad, but I always feel like the pressure is coming from him. Not pressure directly from him, but just in my mind. To become a good man like my dad, or even a better man, would be a great victory.

Fourth (and still sort of third), I started reading the research papers that my research professor wanted me to read. It's pretty interesting, although I haven't gotten far yet. It sort of annoyed me that it has a few references to OChem, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

But now that I think about it, my mom might be right. Maybe I should rethink my goals. I mean, I don't like studying and doing schoolwork as much as a future professor should. A Ph.D. bound student should be motivated beyond his peers and not just do well in class, but to enjoy them. I've never had that experience so far. And it's a long shot to say that I will even in my upper div BioE classes. Because, when it comes down to it, I'd rather relax and not research. I'd rather listen to music or play games.

So I dunno. It's depressing. I've had this goal of making it through life as a researcher, which I still can, but perhaps not as a professor.

But then... where will I be in 5-10 years?

another failed midterm

2009-07-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I managed to get through a day without being too wrapped up in sadness... about relationships.

Probably cause I was preoccupied with schoolwork and classes. Maybe I should just stay busy 24/7 so I won't have to think about how I'm feeling. But then I'd just be tired.

And I managed to fail my EE100 midterm. I just looked at my score. Great. I got a freakin' 54. And the average was 75. I'm 5 points below a standard deviation. That's what? A C or C+? The midterm was 30% of our grade. FML.

Understandably, I'm kind of pissed. Now I'll have to ace everything else in the class to try to scrape up a B. So ridiculous. I'm hoping it won't end up like physics or bio or ochem (all of which I barely passed).

GOD DAMN IT. Why do these science classes have to be so difficult? I mean, I really should have studied more, but I felt like I understood the material about equally as most people too. This is embarrassing.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to sleep and forget about my sad sad grade.

bolero

2009-07-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Why can't I get over her? It still pains my heart. To think that I've lost her and to imagine the memories we made and could have made.
I was so emotionally bound to her. Even after all of this time. This long time. It's not enough. for me to move on.
I'm listening to Bolero by Tohoshinki and thinking of a better time.
Those good old days.
I wish they would come back.
I really do.

But I've got to pretend like nothing's wrong.

not cool

2009-07-18T04:23:00.000-07:00

Today was awful. Lunch was alright. Theta Tau alumnus Rhett came and ate lunch with the members in Berkeley over the summer. It was the first time we had seen each other since the end of spring semester. I had a gyros. It was delicious.

Also, I found a coin from the czech republic on the floor of yogurtland. It says "Ceska Republika" and 20 (whatever currency in Czech). Good thing I just remembered that cause I left it in my pants pocket and would have washed it. I'm guessing some exchange student dropped it there. I don't know why they would be carrying czech money around though.

Anyway, after that it was all downhill.
I had EE100 lecture and the instructor started going into complex numbers, which confused the hell out of me. I hadn't even started reading the new material yet and he's gone through two chapters in the last week. what the hell.
Then after lecture, I had lab. It took the whole 3 hours to finish. I was so frustrated. The power went out at our station and we had to move to another table and rebuild our circuit. Then the simulations on the computer wouldn't really work. And Alex, my gsi, was sort of frustrated cause everyone didn't know what they were doing. She's cute. But I try not to do anything cause she's my GSI and that's kind of weird.

I was about to explode during the lab. I was just so mad at the fact that we had to spend Friday night working with stupid ass circuits. Circuits were fun in the beginning, when it was simple analysis. But now it's getting ridiculous.

We then had our soon-to-be weekly dota fest at Peter's place. It was alright. I was sucking like always. Most of the games we played I was the worst player. And Daniel was getting angry at me cause I kept letting him die. I don't know if I want to go anymore. I don't really have as much fun as the other guys. And I don't feel compelled to train or do extra practice to get better. maybe I should have gone to the summer ice dance party instead. I might have more fun staying home and watching The Office instead of feeling bad about sucking at dota.

I wish I was good at something. Anything. Something I could be proud of. It makes me sad to think that I don't really have anything to show people to express who I am or to pride myself in.

Plus the whole girls and relationships issue is wearing me out. God damn you girls. I'm definitely not at peace right now.

what?

2009-07-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like I could be happier. Right now. At this moment.

Today was alright. I had my psych class and then went to eat lunch with Becky. I went back home for a little bit and then went to see my psychiatrist. I updated him on everything that happened in Japan and afterwards. I had a lot to say. He was very interested in what I had to say about my reactions and perceptions in Japan because I had told him about how self-conscious I was around other Japanese people.

Then I came home, ate, did laundry, did some homework, and it's already sleepy time.

I'm really glad I'm taking that psych class. Cause up until now I haven't really looked at my life and thought about what I'm grateful for. It's not just something you should do for Thanksgiving, but as often as possible. During class we had a reflection exercise where we wrote down what we were grateful for. I came up with the following:
- My parents support me and have raised me with the values that have shaped who I am
- My friends have cared for me through good and bad times
- I can express myself in this culture
- I can pursue higher education
- I can vote
- I don't have to worry too much about food or shelter or other life necessities
- I am healthy

I felt good after this exercise.

But it seems like no matter what I do, I'll always be wrapped up in negativity. I'll always see the world through a dark lens.

Sometimes I feel as though romance is the only way for me to be truly happy. It has to do with dopamine and the vagus nerve and such. hormones. and neurotransmitters and action potentials.

life is funny.

balance

2009-07-16T00:13:00.001-07:00

I don't feel like anyone's happy to see me. I see people around campus, but a lot of them slightly wave and don't even smile. It's cold.

Maybe that's why I felt so obsessed with romance before.

Because I would feel like someone cared.

But now it just feels empty.

I went exercising today and burned 700 calories. But I don't know what the point is of getting fit and dressing up and looking cool.

When no one really cares. I could disappear tomorrow and no one would realize for a while. Sometimes I feel like skipping class and going to the Berkeley marina. To look into the waters and to clear my head. But I've never done it yet. Mostly cause I'd feel like it would be a waste of time. Plus I wouldn't have a girl to go with me.

Anyway, I'm rambling on like always.

I fucking hate myself. I can't do anything right. Seriously. I can't name a single thing I'm really good at. I'm only moderately good at some things at best. There's no promise for me except for a mediocre life. I want to scream into the night and release my frustrations somehow. I want to bash in a door or break glass on the sidewalk. I'm ripping my hair out these days. And plucking my eyebrows unconsciously. And fidgeting. Why can't love work out for me?
Why do I hate people so much? Why do I find fault in everything?
Why can't I be happy? I'm so fucking pissed off.

I want to shoot dead everyone who's wronged me. Everyone who's pissed me off or made me cry over my lifetime. Just watch them die. And then kill myself. Maybe then I'll feel like there's justice in this world. Some kind of balance. Or maybe I'm just overreacting.

Sometimes I feel like I belong in a hospital.

Sir Kits

2009-07-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

GOD DAMN IT. I think I failed my EE100 midterm. Like always, I got really nervous during the test and started freaking out. It happens with every science test I take.

I filled out something for every problem, but I still feel like I messed up most of it. God damn it. I was really hoping Jesse would give us an easier midterm.

Plus, I felt like I knew the material. Which I evidently didn't. Now I'm just pissed off. I'll probably get some crappy grade that I'll have to make up for during the final. But I'll still end up with a bad grade. It always happens like that.

I don't know. Compared to physics, I though I was ready. But I never seem to understand these applied science courses very well.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I just want to hit something.

I'm gonna just chill tonight and get my head together. Calm down a bit. I just wish school was a little bit easier.

glass and plastic

2009-07-14T23:03:00.001-07:00

I have a midterm tomorrow for EE100. I feel pretty prepared. But I wish I had a little bit more time to do problems. I got it down for the most part though, and I feel like I know it about 80 percentile? whatever that means.

It's kind of hot these days in Berkeley. And by hot I mean low 70s. I get warm really easily and I sweat really easily. It's really embarassing. I just walk to class and I'm sweating hard. I have to wait for my sweat to evaporate, which takes like an hour.

I guess I'm just used to cool weather. I'm glad I'm in the bay area.

But yeah. Otherwise I've been feeling fine. I guess. I'm starting to see the single life as not that bad. I mean, I don't really have that much of a choice. But I'm doing the best with what I got. I've got good friends. Trustworthy friends.
There are cute girls in my classes and I even think my GSI is pretty hot. But I have to stop myself from pursuing anything. To avoid this natural instinct.

Because I've learned that to love is to suffer. And that it's not fair. It's not a reciprocal condition. No matter how much you give, you may not receive. Even if one is happy, the other could not be. And it's so fragile. I don't even want to touch this glass. I'll just throw away the broken pieces and get myself some malleable, plastic cups that are my analogy for friends. They'll never break on me, or cut me. But the glass is beautiful. I can see the rainbow glitter across the water. I can wonder and fantasize and feel wonderful with the glass cups. But the plastic cups are safe. And the water that I drink from either cup is the same. I'm guessing the water represents love.

Maybe that analogy wasn't so great. But it makes sense to me.

Anyway, I feel like I've lost my passion for relationships with people. And it makes me sad. Sometimes I feel like I'd be happier if left alone. But my psychology professor said our unhappiness is linked to loneliness and stress.

I don't know what to think.

young ones

2009-07-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

I think I've told people this before, but I always find young looking girls attractive. And sometimes, it just happens without me knowing it.
For example, I pick the cutest girl in some of today's hottest KPop girl groups. and 3 out of 3 times so far, I've picked the youngest member of each of the groups:
1) Sohee (Wonder Girls)
2) Minzy (2NE1)
3) Seohyun (SNSD)

It's sort of creepy.

I think I have lolicon, otherwise known as "Lolita Complex". You can find it on wikipedia. Basically I like young looking girls.

BUT that does not mean I would go for girls younger than 18. eww. I'm talking about girls 18 and over that LOOK younger. just clarifying that.

I don't know what it is. I think a girl being cheerful, cutesy, and innocent is attractive. I don't really know why other people don't think the same. Probably some weird psychological explanation on my part.

Anyway, I feel like it's not very socially accepted (especially in the U.S.), so I feel a need to hold myself back and pretend like I'm not down with it. Like I'm doing something illegal. Even though I'm not.

I'm sick of this anti-cute American "tough guy" culture. I can't like babies or kids or cute, young girls or do anything remotely girly without being immediately judged as a creeper. Maybe I would have been happier in Japan.

senor peenor

2009-07-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

Today was great.

Everyone in Oh Sketch went to San Jose to surprise Sophie for her birthday. And she was really surprised. Not as much as I would have hoped though. I was hoping she would jump up and down and freak out. But she's not that kind of person. Oh well.

We played Quelf for a while and then headed out to eat at BJ's. They have amazing deep-dish style pizza there and it was delicious.

A fun day indeed. Last night was fun too. Spent 10pm-3am playing DOTA with friends at Peter's house. I hadn't played at all for about 6 months at least, so I was a little noobish. I forgot how to play and strategize in the game, so I kept bringing my team down. But it was fun regardless. We're thinking of hanging out together to play DOTA more often. Maybe once a week.

I wish I had more boots. Wearing these cool japanese boots around, I kind of realize now that they'll get old and dirty after a while and I need more. Maybe I can get my relatives to buy some more for me...

Hmm.. what else? Not much. I have a midterm in EE100 on Wednesday and I haven't started studying. Although I feel pretty confident about the material compared to physics or bio. I understand the homeworks to a good degree, and they're interesting. I just need to finish reading up on Op-Amps and then do a bunch of practice problems and practice tests. But such is life. I haven't been doing my psych readings either, so maybe I should do that too.

Anyway, I should hit the sack early tonight and get ready for hardcore studying tomorrow. Stupid school.

遥か彼方

2009-07-11T12:37:00.001-07:00

i was truly happy back then
i realize that now
it's not just bad memories
and i miss those times

thankful

2009-07-09T02:45:00.000-07:00

My dad just got out of an operation. They had to remove a cyst-like thing from his rectum. If left untreated, there would have been a good chance it would turn into cancer. The surgery only took a couple hours and he's already fine. It seems like this ordeal is over.

I don't believe in god. But I feel thankful nonetheless.

My grandpa, on the other hand, isn't doing so well. I found out they determined he has kidney cancer a couple days ago. They removed one kidney already and he's barely hanging on. They already had to remove most of his stomach at a prior surgery and his body overall is weak from old age.

I wonder if he fears death. I wish I could have been closer to him.
I'm afraid he won't have much more time.

mirror

2009-07-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say.

I should feel good right now, but I don't. Maybe I'm just tired.

I had the first lecture for Psych 162 today. The course is on Human Happiness. I figured maybe I could learn how to be happy. Turns out most of the class thought the same and joined up. After breaking down the different aspects of happiness, I realized I didn't really know what made me happy. I wrote some things down, but I don't know what would really satisfy me and keep me in a good mood for a long time.

I went to the gym to work out today. I realized that I can have a six-pack if I just lose more fat. Maybe get down to >145lbs. I started doing a few crunches today, and then all cardio. So I was in a good mood after the gym. And I was in a good mood after eating my burrito.

But now. I don't really know.
I feel very alone, but I don't know whether other people being here would make me happy.
I feel that finding happiness is easy if I just look in front of me. I have a good thing going. A promising future. But somehow, in some way, I don't see these things. I just see whatever I don't have. It's like once I reach a goal, I keep going and the old goals are all behind me, away from view. And the only thing in front of me are the goals I have yet to reach.

Sometimes I felt like the only time I was truly happy was when I was in a romantic relationship. To feel that passion. And affection. And to feel loved and cared for. But lately, even that has gotten messy.

So I'm left with few options. And I don't know what to keep going on for.

I'm still taking the meds and now exercising, so I feel a bit better than before. But even now. Even after all this experience. All these lulls and bottomless pits of sorrow I've been through. Through all the joys and pretending to be happy in front of friends. Through all the tears, reflection, growth, and maturing, I still don't see a real change. I still see the same ugly self in the mirror. The one that craves affection like a drug. And is never satisfied. And chats up girls with flirting well in mind. And breaks peoples' hearts intentionally and unintentionally. And feels that deep cold in the heart after realizing that it wasn't meant to be. That real pain. One too many times.

And sometimes I feel like it'd be better off if I wasn't here at all.

Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route

2009-07-01T23:04:00.001-07:00

Well, just had another rousing night with Jordi. Playing wii and watching Japanese dramas. Good times.

It's been two weeks now since the beginning of summer school. I say two weeks cause I have a 4-day weekend, baby!!! I don't have class on Thursday and Friday is off because of 4th of July. Booyahhh. I'm gonna enjoy this. Well, I'm probably not gonna do anything interesting. Just sleep more and play more.

I'm really enjoying my iPhone. I'm really glad I got it. I imagined it to be a replacement for my phone, iPod, and computer for internet access. And it is! I don't have to lug around so much stuff anymore. Although the screen is small and the browser is sort of difficult to navigate at times, it beats carrying around a laptop all over campus. Plus there's an application for everything imaginable. Calculator, weather, maps/directions, translator, flashlight, movie tickets, online radio, world clcock, youtube, facebook, gmail, twitter, wikipedia, ny times, bbc, games. It goes on and on. And everything I've downloaded so far is completely free! That is except for this 99 cent app that I downloaded by mistake. But it's all good.

The games are definitely awesome. It's like having a gameboy with me at all times. I was sort of skeptical when advertisements showed the iPhone as a universal device, but it really is. I think one of the coolest things is the GPS system. It always knows where you are, so you're never lost. When I was roaming the streets of SF for the SF Pride 2009 show, I wasn't sure which way to go. Luckily, the maps app showed me where I was and which direction I was facing.
The other great thing is internet. If you connect to Wi-fi, like Airbears, it's as fast as a normal computer. And even if you don't have wi-fi around you, you can just use the internet over the 3G network at a slightly slower speed. Everything's really neat and useful.

The only downside is that although the iPhone is a Phone + iPod + internet browser + gameboy + GPS system, etc., that means I'll lose all of those things if I lose the iPhone. I have to be pretty careful with this baby. If it breaks, I'll lose a lot. The info is backed up on my laptop, but not being able to use the iPhone would be pretty inconvenient. I can see how people could get hooked on this thing.

Anyway, enough about that.
I'm not really sure what I want to do for the next 4 days. I need to start doing the EE100 homework for sure. But that won't take the whole time. I wanted to go somewhere like SF to just hang out, but I don't know who else is free. Bryan said he had midterms to study for. hmm.

I don't want to waste the weekend playing Mario and iPhone games again. I still have to watch Ponyo and finish Gokusen 3. I'm not sure what dramas to watch. I want to watch a good one. Maybe I should watch more Korean dramas. But I like Japanese dramas cause I can understand what they're saying. And the nuances are more clear. Oh well. I'll think of something.

sexciting

2009-06-28T00:32:00.001-07:00

I'm really excited for BoA's performance tomorrow at SF Pride 2009! Not only is it free, it's part of a huge festival where there'll probably be a lot of other cool stuff to do. I'm glad my iPhone has fairly good picture and video so I can just take that and not need to carry my camera. I realized after a little research today that my iPhone and my "high-tech" Sony digital camera take the same quality of video. -____- There's like no reason to use my digicam anymore except for pics that are a little bit better. But I guess that's what I asked for.

Anyway, tomorrow's BoA show is gonna be awesome. She's only on for 20 minutes, which kind of sucks, but it's plenty of time for some good songs. I'm assuming she'll do "Eat You Up", "I Did It For Love" and "Energetic". She might also do "Girls On Top" or "Hypnotic Dancefloor". There's a slight chance she'll do some of her Japanese/Korean stuff, but I doubt it. It is an American audience, after all.

Today was pretty uneventful. I woke up late again. I feel very lethargic when I wake up so late. And today was especially bad cause I had a slight headache. And I have a slight headache again right now. Maybe it's a sign that I should get on a better sleep schedule. I went to the gym and burned 500 Calories, which was alright. Other than that I just played with my iPhone, did some homework, and played some more Mario. I need to think of more productive things to do. I want to learn Korean, but I'm too cheap to buy anything. So I keep getting stuck with these cheap podcasts or free lessons. Maybe I should start watching more dramas. I heard the new K-dramas were pretty good.

So far, summer school hasn't been too bad. It's so much less stressful when there's only one class to worry about. I already finished the homework that's due Wednesday and I'm almost done with the reading. I just hope the labs won't get any more frustrating than the one I had last Wednesday. Ended up staying the whole 3 hours. Last ones to leave. Pretty embarassing.

But I actually find this circuits stuff interesting. I don't really like computer science, but I could sort of see myself doing EE stuff as a second to BioE. Probably means this stuff is going to be my passion eventually. Designing biomedical devices and such.

In other news, asian girls are hot.
sexciting.

okay okay okay

2009-06-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

summer school started. not so bad so far. but it's only been 2 days.

kinda lonely by myself again.

playing super mario galaxy and tampering with my iPhone.

reading about circuits.

staring at the picture of Maki Horikita I bought in Japan (not creepy whatsoever).

wish there was someone like her to spend my days with.

home with iPhone

2009-06-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

huh... I probably should have updated more while I was in Japan.

Well, I'M HOME! And summer school starts tomorrow!

Japan was so much fun. I got to buy so much new clothes, gifts for myself and friends, went to an awesome VK concert, and saw a bunch of relatives and friends over there. I saw my Japanese school friends who had gone back to Japan at different periods throughout my childhood. I hadn't seen Gen in 8 years or so. My friend Keisuke changed so much I didn't recognize him.

I dunno. I feel too lazy to explain what happened in detail for the week or so I didn't write. You can probably figure stuff out from all the pics I took that are on Facebook now.

Anyway, even more exciting news. I FINALLY got my iPhone!!! After the news was out that the iPhone 3G would be updated to 3GS, I knew then that I was going to get one. My dad bought it for me online while I was in Japan and it luckily arrived at my house before I got back. My dad picked me up from the airport and handed it to me. I was so happy. I've been wanting one for the past year and a half. I either didn't have enough money or it was bad timing (with updates and all). BUT now I finally have it. And it's lived up to all my expectations. It feels so empowering to have such a multifunctional device in my pocket wherever I go. I just hope it doesn't break anytime soon.

And yeah... let's see. I bought Super Mario Galaxy for Wii today at EB Games, but I have yet to play it. I'm waiting until I'm so bored I need to turn to it. Right now the iPhone is so much more exciting. ^__^

I start my circuits class, EE100, tomorrow. I really hope it won't be impossibly hard. I looked at the book a little bit and it reminds me of the end of Physics 7B, which I totally got screwed on. I just hope this professor is better than freakin' Freedman.

what

2009-06-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to ponder

on what I'm living for

Am I

relying too much

on others

what is this loneliness

clover

2009-06-12T07:03:00.000-07:00

why must it be so difficult

to hear and to feel

what is this cold thing inside

i wish i knew what to do

i don't have much to write

because my heart feels empty

must be quiet

2009-06-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

my mom is here now.

and she's angry cause i've spent so much money already.
HEY! Stuff in japan is expensive. she should know that.
Anyway, the bulk of my shopping was done with today. I've gotten a lot of good stuff.

Typing is too loud and my mom is trying to sleep...

omg... SHOES

2009-06-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to write. I have to sleep soon. What I will say is that today was freakin' amazing. I went to Shibuya again to go shopping and then to Harajuku. I bought soooo much cool stuff. I am gonna look so pimp when I get back to the U.S.

Here are the cowboy style shoes that I got. They're very popular among celebrities and stuff.

I guess the reason why I buy this stuff is well, mainly because it's really cool in my eyes. But another thing is that it makes me feel special. People look at me. I mean, it might be with weird looks, but looks nonetheless. Especially in the U.S., where this style is no where to be found. It makes me feel a little bit better about myself.

Besides the shoes I also got 3 new "shirts". I categorize them as shirts but they're really crazy and escape definition. I need to get jeans...

OH! And great news. I totally owned that crane machine today. And not figuratively. On my first try with the claw to grab a little plushie hampster, it grabbed the chain it was connected to and pulled up two others with it. I got THREE hampsters in one shot, my first shot. I was overjoyed. Kind of makes up for my past blunder.

I hung out with Chrystal today. It was pretty cool. It's nice to be able to speak in English. We went to Ebisu to eat and passed that famous stone monument from Hana Yori Dango! We then went to Shibuya and walked around.

oh, by the way, those boots hurt like a mofo. I'm keeping them tucked away until I get back to the U.S. cause they hurt too much to wear for long walks.

MARAKA!

2009-06-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

As you probably can tell, this was a good day. I finally won this bad boy after I owned that stupid crane game. It took 20 tries or so (or about $20) but it was totally worth it in my mind. not practically though. The arcade was in Shibuya. That's right, I'm in Tokyo!!!

Tokyo is freakin' huge. I mean it's the biggest city in the world as I've been told. But I didn't think much about it until I realized how far you would have to walk. Before I came here my "grandparents" took me to a park where you could see Yokohama Bay, Sankeien Garden, and the Tokyo National Museum. After that I was really tired, but I wanted to make the most of my visit. I checked into my hotel in East Ginza and was thinking whether or not I should go to Shibuya since it's on the other side of Tokyo. But I figured I only lived once, so I went.

HUGE mistake (eventually rewarding). I was overwhelmed by how many people were roaming the streets in Shibuya. Mostly young people. I went there because it's apparently the best place to be for night life, and I could tell that was true. I started walking away from the subway station and I got really lost. There aren't a lot of street signs in Tokyo; you just have to navigate according to which shops are where. I had to ask a police officer nearby where the hell I was. But then I got lost again later anyway. Seriously, they need more signs.

There were things to do everywhere. It was amazing. My first mission was to find a clothing store before things started closing at 6pm. But before that I had to eat. I wasn't really sure what to get and I was feeling a little confused. I decided to eat at a McDonald's because I felt like I would feel a little bit relieved and closer to home. But the Micky D's here is whack. The burger tastes a little different and the drink size is way small.

That's one thing I don't like about Japan. Besides things being more expensive, the damn portions are smaller. The amount of food is fine. Instead of leaving leftovers like in America, I just finish my meal and I'm full. But the drinks are freakin' tiny. I ordered a large soda and I swear it's an American small. The Japanese small is tiny. Like... 6 oz. I can't even describe it very well. Let's just say it would quench nobody's thirst. Even a baby's.

Anyway, after my meal, I went looking around for clothes. I found this one shop that sold really cool clothes. But then I realized that unlike American stores, where I found maybe one or two things interesting, I found the whole store desirable. I wanted everything. Everything was cool and stylish and designed so well. I was overwhelmed again. I had to narrow my choices down and I eventually got this jacket:

It's so cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I went to the arcade where I got the clock. At that point, it was past 9pm and all the clothing stores were closing. I stuck around a little bit more to see the night life, but I was already really tired. The huge video screens on the sides of buildings and the lights of advertisements were very loud and flashy.

I'm back in the hotel room now, but tomorrow is another busy day. I'm working off those pounds like no other.

I should probably mention my trip to the parks and museums in more detail but I'm too lazy. I care more about the clothes and stuff anyway. Speaking of which! I SAW BIG BANG on the huge TV screens in Shibuya! Their first Japanese single comes out late June! XD

INTERACTIVO!

2009-06-08T04:48:00.000-07:00

Damn yo. Today was whack. or shall I say, "whakku". sorry that was lame.

Anyway, today was pretty cool. My uncle took me to the Daihonzan Sojiji. At first I had no idea what that meant either. Apparently the Saitos follow a particular sect of Japanese Buddhism called Soutoushuu. And this Daihonzan Sojiji was the main religious HQ of the sect. It was HUGE. The complex was made up of several different temples that were very old and well decorated. The monks there took my uncle and me on a tour of the complex, and although I didn't understand some of the things he was explaining, I understood most of it and it was interesting. There were so many rules and teachings within Buddhism that it was mind-boggling. I have to hand it to you Lee, this shit is intense. There were huge statues and tatami floored prayer rooms with elaborate furnishings and paintings. There were multiple long hallways with wooden floors and sliding doorways. It was very peaceful.

After the tour, my uncle and I had lunch there where we ate a "traditional" monk's meal. It was very orderly and surprisingly delicious. But there were weird steps we had to take like listening to a short prayer beforehand and stacking the plates in a certain way. Even using a piece of lettuce to clean the bowls with tea and then eating it. A little weird.

After that I finally went to go buy a charger for my electronic dictionary (since I had forgotten to bring it from Berkeley).

And then I met up with Lina! It was sort of short notice but she said she was free so she agreed to meet me at Yokohama station. We went to a local starbucks and talked about random stuff for a couple hours. It was nice. I'm kind of sad I probably won't be able to see her (along with a lot of other people from I-House who left Berkeley) for at least a year and a half. But we'll keep in contact.

Just now my relatives and I got back from this restaurant where they have huge tanks of water with fish. You catch the fish you like and then the chefs prepare it for you in sashimi style, fried style, or some other style. It was really cool. I was sort of weirded out cause I wasn't used to killing my own food. Which I didn't. But hooking its mouth with the fishing rod was a little saddening. It reminded me of what comedian Demitri Martin once said: "You call it 'fishin'', but you should call it what it really is: 'trickin' and killin''" But the food was good regardless. A little disturbing though cause the fish was still sort of moving right before we ate it. No thoughts about turning vegetarian anytime soon though.

And... that's about it. I'm still pretty tired from yesterday's day-long adventure across the harbor. Tomorrow my "grandparents", actually my uncle's wife's parents (so no blood relation), are taking me to this famous garden in Yokohama and then to Tokyo. Tomorrow will be the first of two nights I'll be staying in Tokyo alone. :O Hopefully I'll survive.

I'll upload some pics right now to facebook.

ADVENTURE ADVENTURE

2009-06-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

omg, I am freakin' tired. I walked like 5 miles today. or shall I say 8.04672 km according to my converter app.

Man, a lot has happened already in the past two days.

So I got on the plane at SFO at around 11:30am. I got to Japan at around 2pm local time. Now, I only slept like 2 hours the night before. So I was tired already. And I only slept an hour on the plane. Given that there's a 16-hour time difference between Japan and CA, by the time I got to my uncle's house it was 4am over in CA. I was pooped.
Oh, before that though. Two things I remember clearly. I was lining up at immigration at the airport and a lady tapped me on the shoulder from behind. I turned around and then she said something I couldn't understand. And that was because she was saying, "hangukmal haseyo?" which is "Do you speak Korean?" in Korean. She thought I was Korean. LOL. Man, I am so glad I had those few podcast lessons in Korean cause I was able to respond, "Il heh bot he yo", which is like "I don't understand". It's so cool to be able to use language. Never thought that was gonna come in handy.
The other thing was that my uncle and I left the airport and I forgot to get a rental cell phone. So we had to go back 40 minutes to the airport to get one.

Another weird thing that happened was that my uncle took me to the graveyard where the Saitos were buried. That includes my great grandpa, great grandma, grandma, grandpa, and cousin. It was very weird to see. I didn't really know what to feel. I felt sad, but I'm not religious, so I couldn't really say they were in a "better place". Being in college now and more aware of my non-religiousness, I felt sort of awkward praying for them. But I did it anyway. And then had to again at the nearby Buddhist temple.

Another thing was that I brought my Japanese electronic dictionary that has Japanese-Japanese, Japanese-English, English-Japanese, and English-English, among other things. But I had forgotten to bring the power cable... so I have to go buy one tomorrow.

Other than those things, everything's been AMAZING. The FOOD is SOOOOOO GOOD. And everywhere I go, I just see things that are better than the U.S. Probably because I'm like a tourist and I only notice the good things. But seriously, I wish the U.S. was a little bit more like Japan. I'll list off a couple of things I liked:
1) CUTE BABIES!!! SO MANY. OVERLOADDDD.
2) CUTE GIRLS (don't worry Melly)
3) Nice people
4) Curtesy! I don't get enough of that in the U.S.
5) Technologically advanced stuff everywhere
6) Amazing food
7) Aesthetically pleasing places almost everywhere

I can't get enough of this place. The thing that I liked the most was that Japanese people put a lot of effort into making things very pleasing to the senses. Especially vision. Things are very, very well designed. Not half-assed like a lot of American stuff.

So I basically collapsed yesterday after I got to my uncle's house. This morning we all went to the Yokohama Harbor. It was great. The weather was really nice and a lot of people were out. My cousin Kouta is part of the Dragonboat team for his junior high. I went to go see the races. It was pretty exciting. There were a lot of booths up like a mini-carnival. Also, there was this interesting festival going on all along the harbor for the 150th anniversary of the opening of Yokohama Harbor. There were huge tents set up with exhibits and exciting activities.

I'm kinda tired and I don't think I can mention everything right now. But it was great. lol. There was a rock concert where I got a distribution CD. I went to go see the remains of the North Korean boat that they salvaged after the Japanese coast guard attacked it. pretty epic. I also went to this really crazy shop where they sold literally everything you can imagine. A giant balloon that lighted up at night. A giant high-def screen, a Nissan-sponsored electric car of the future, and making wishes for the future. Magicians on the street. Ferris wheel. Giant robotic spider.

Basically spent 12 hours going around the harbor and surrounding areas. I'm exhausted.

I have a lot of pics and videos so I'll hopefully upload those soon.

Things have changed

2009-06-04T01:49:00.000-07:00

I'm ready to get the hell out of here.

I want to go to Japan. My motherland. I'm looking forward to it. Every time I go, I feel a strong connection with the land and the culture. It's a good feeling. Like I belong somewhere. No matter what, I always consider myself Japanese before American. I was born and raised American, but I always refer to myself as Japanese. Because I look it. And because being American isn't something to be proud of nowadays (or ever).

One thing I've been thinking about is this place I'm in right now. Davis. And why I hate it so much. Hate is a strong word. Dislike is more fitting. I mean, it's a great place to live and all, but it's boring as all hell. I shouldn't complain since I don't actively get out of the house as often as I should. But the city itself doesn't have that much to offer youth in terms of activities. There are shops and restaurants downtown, but there's no mall or some sort of location for youth to hang out. It's just... boring.

People like Davis because it's safe and because it has a good K-12 system. Which is true. I'm glad in those respects that I lived here. But there's no excitement here. There's nothing to do. When I'm at Berkeley, I always feel like there's more to be done. I could go to new shops on telegraph or shattuck that I've never been to before. Or I could hop on the BART for a short 30 min ride to SF and then explore some more. But Davis... Davis is nowhere. Davis has the same old shops that get boring after a while. And I've never been a student at UCD, but I keep wondering what the hell those UCD kids do for fun cause there are no real clubs or malls or exciting big buildings. It's too small here.
I mean, I guess when it comes down to it, I don't get out much. Even at Berkeley. But I can go to SF from time to time and enjoy myself. There are endless opportunities over there. And in Berkeley you can ride the bus to virtually anywhere. And there are milllions of choices in terms of food and entertainment.
I just can't seem to see myself enjoying time in Davis.

I don't really know where this dislike is coming from. But after thinking about it, I've considered two things.
1) I look down on UCD kids
2) I didn't have good memories of life here

#1 is pretty easy to figure out. Berkeley kids are elitist.

#2 is a little bit more complicated. When I look back on it, my memories of junior high and high school weren't so great. I was working all the time and thinking about how to do well on the SAT or prepare for college. It's like the only thing I was living for. And I didn't have that many friends. I think that's a big part of it. I didn't make long-lasting friends at Davis.
Now don't get me wrong. I made a couple of good friends. Jordi (BFF!), Chris, Vincent, Michelle, Alex, Patrick, Kevin, etc. But besides Jordi, I rarely contact everyone else. I just don't feel a really strong feeling there. To make me want to go out of my way to hang out with them. Sorry to whoever's on that list and is reading this.

But I think it goes back to the fact that I've always enjoyed time by myself. That's one of the reasons why I got a studio this past year instead of moving in with someone else. I enjoy solitude. I don't have to deal with other people and their pestering. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes. But I like being able to do what I want to on my own time. And not have to worry about cleaning up after someone else. Or to keep conversations going just for the sake of conversation. Or to think of something to do because people are there. or guests are over. The only person I have to think about when I'm alone is me. And that brings me comfort I guess.

Maybe I'm just selfish. I don't know. I've never help friendship very high in my priorities. I've always felt like romantic relationships were far more meaningful. I know most people have it the other way. But that's probably because I've never felt a deep passion or platonic love for a friendship as some people have. I'm kind of jealous of people who still hang out really often with their high school buddies. I don't have a lot of people like that to go to.
Anyway, the romantic relationship to me seems more significant. I feel my heart pounding and I enjoy the other's company truthfully and all the time. Whereas friends, they sometimes get annoying. And I establish a very profound love for this person. But friends... just sort of stay acquantances.

I have a lot of acquantances. A lot of "contacts". But then I realize that I have no one to hang out with on Friday night. And that's when I notice that I have a problem. I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to become a more social person.

See, Davis isn't all that bad. It's just that the bad experiences I had as a teen just ruin this city for me.

Mafia Wars

2009-06-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

Damn, this Mafia Wars game on Facebook is addicting. It's like a low-tech RPG, but with an interesting storyline. It's got me hooked. I even woke up during the night multiple times to use energy efficiently. In the game, not my own. I've probably been treating my body very badly.

Tare Panda & Friends

2009-06-01T02:51:00.000-07:00

Tare Panda (pronounced Tah-reh Pahn-da) is my new favorite character. Tare in Japanese means hanging, flapping, or spilling, in this case referring to the hanging fatness of this particular panda. He's cute. At least I think it's a he. The creator made the gender difficult to figure out. This lazy-ass droopy panda is my new best friend (Sorry Jordi).

Anyway, this is my new wallpaper:

It's funny cause they're all in a hot spring/bath together, looking bewildered and innocent. I like Japanese cartoon characters cause they have that innocent vibe going on.

Like Rirakkuma.

I just found this site dedicated to honoring various Japanese mascots. It's good stuff.
http://japanesemascots.com/

I always wondered why these cultural discrepancies occurred so that cute stuff was great in Japan but not so accepted or "nurtured" in America. I feel like Americans have this tough guy image going that has a stereotypically "tough" society. I dunno. I just wish there was stuff like this over here.

fat and atheist

2009-05-30T01:13:00.000-07:00

ugh. why am I so fat? I'm like 151 lbs now. And no, that's not muscle. At least I don't think so. Some people think I've put on muscle, but I doubt it. I think it's mostly just fat. It's sad. I remember I was like 145lbs at the beginning of sophomore year. I mean, it's not life or death. It's just kind of unfortunate. Usually the metabolism took care of any extra fat, but for some reason it's been dying out lately. It's probably also cause I've been in the house for the last week not moving much. Yeah, that's not good. But I did go the gym a couple times this week. I burned about 330 calories yesterday on the elliptical and then lifted weights and stuff.

I dunno. I feel like I'll never be happy with my weight. Sometimes I feel like a girl cause I keep complaining about my weight. But whatever.

I haven't really been doing much. Today was very unproductive. I just sat around the house. Playing games and stuff. I dunno why it's so hard to just sit on my butt and have fun and just be happy about that. I always feel like I need to be doing something productive. I think I've said this like 5 or 6 times before. I keep repeating myself in my posts. Oh well.

But that's what it is. An endless cycle of ranting.

I ate Thai food for dinner. That was pretty good.

And then I saw a movie with my parents called "Religulous". It's basically a Michael Moore type of cynical documentary that makes the questioned look like fools. It's about religion and all of its dangers. It makes a lot of sense to me as an atheist. I mean, most people I know practice religion on a small scale and are doing no harm. But the big picture and the majority of people just aren't like that. There's a high price to pay when religion is around. A lot of unnecessary violence and hate. It was really apparent in the movie. It makes you question what you believe. Especially the things that you do by habit that you can't really explain. Like family traditions. You don't question it, it's always been there. I'm glad I don't really have that many of those.

I wish people would take a look at how destructive religion is to the advancement of the human race and science. I mean, almost every scientist agrees that evolution is real. But powerful senators, presidents, religious leaders, and others don't. And it makes everything so dangerous. To base your life on the Bible, or the Koran, or the Torah.

How can anyone seriously believe in a talking snake? And even if you don't believe in some parts of the Bible or the other texts, can you pick and choose what you believe? And who gets to decide what is real and what isn't? I dunno. It just sounds like a fairy tale to me. In Religulous, the host brought up the interesting notion that if you mix the stories of the Bible, like Jonas being swallowed by a whale, with other children's stories and legends like jack and the beanstalk or santa claus, you wouldn't really know the difference. Religion just sounds like a bunch of children's stories. To comfort people in their lack of understanding of the world.

I guess the thing that pisses me off sort of is the fact that a lot of religious people say that in the lack of evidence, you should believe in god. That's a bunch of bullcrap. If something can't be proven, you don't believe that it's true. You believe that it's not true, or not there. Like Richard Dawkins mentioned with his Teapot. Someone could say there's a giant invisible teapot orbiting the earth. Just cause they say that doesn't make it true. But it seems like organized religion has made a giant delusion. Making people think that that teapot is there. This omnipotent, omniscient power.

I just don't understand how any rational person could ever believe in this stuff. Like, it's very, very improbable. And most organized religion just causes a bunch of avoidable conflicts. It's just sad to me.

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to be a rant. But it kind of pisses me off. 16% of Americans are atheist or agnostic. There's just a lot of stigma with being unreligious except in places like Berkeley or other institutes. And America is one of the few industrialized nations left that has a lot of people still not believing in evolution. This sucks.

pounds - 7?

2009-05-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just slept A LOT. I feel like today's already over. Crap.

I slept at around 1:30 and was awoken at around 10AM by our cleaning lady vacuuming. I was like, WTF, I WANT TO SLEEP. I got up anyway and waited a bit and ate lunch at around 11:30. I went back to sleep at around 12:30pm and woke up at 4:00pm. And here I am. I can't believe I slept for like 12 hours. I'm probably tired cause I did a lot yesterday.
Yesterday was like the first day I've gone outside to do productive stuff. I went to the local paint store to get stuff, ate at Chipotle, got a haircut, and went to Office Max to buy a bunch of school stuff.

here's my haircut:

I think it looks alright. Maybe I'm better off with short hair. Plus it's not as heavy to carry around.

Anyway, at Office Max, I bought some paper for my bro, some notebooks for the summer classes and Fall semester, and a bomb-ass leather notebook for my BioE research. It looks so professional. hehe. It has a pen holder thing and I was tempted to buy a really expensive pen ($50), but I opted for a $5 one instead. lol. I'm looking forward to using it. I can't wait.

Anyway, I got home and then went exercising later that night where I burned like 555 calories. It's the most I've burned in one sitting (or shall I say running?). I was just on the elliptical machine for like 40 minutes. Yeah, that probably explains why I'm tired.

I feel lazy though cause I'm not doing much productive stuff. I've already said this before. haha. But I think a lot of Berkeley students feel that way. Melissa's even assigning homework to herself to keep her busy and to learn new things. I'm sick of learning though. I just want to relax. Plus I'm doing summer school later so I need the relaxation while I can.

I need to watch the movies I downloaded. I have Seven Pounds with Will Smith, which I heard was good, and then Star Trek, which is still out in theaters but some guy found a good dvd version of it. Anyway, I heard Star Trek was really, really good, despite the stereotype that it's nerdy. I'll give it a shot.

Damn, these Kirkland cookies from Costco are delicious. Probably very unhealthy. And my brother just informed me that the cookies are at their due date today. So I need to finish the rest of them. Oh well. I guess I'll work those pounds back on. -_____-

so yeah it's summer

2009-05-26T08:58:00.001-07:00

I always wonder who reads my blog. Cause I mean, sometimes I read my friend's blogs. But sparingly. So I expect the same. I don't think anyone should be reading my blog if they don't really care. Or if they feel obligated cause of my previous depressed state.
Just do whatever.

Anyway, I'm up really early. My mom was grinding coffee really loudly this morning and woke me up. I was annoyed, but glad that I was able to eat breakfast for the first time in a while. It feels good being up and about early. Sort of. Not that I have much to do.

I've been really lazy for the past couple days. I mean, I deserve it, after all that hell that school brought. But I feel sort of unproductive. I'm just playing peggle, doing sporcle quizzes, playing other games on wii, and watching movies. I should also be making movies for theta tau, but I haven't had the inspiration lately. Plus I still have over a week to do stuff.
I think I might go outside today. I don't think I've been outside for the past 3 days, sadly, with the exception of last night when I drove to the gas station to get soda. Wow, my life is sad.

But even though my life might not be that exciting or ideal, I have a lot of things to be thankful for. Friends and family. Melly. A good education (sort of).
and I can always fall back on guruguru dokkan, my favorite kids' show.

I keep wondering why I have such a facination with babies. I think I've talked about it in a previous post, but I never went into detail. I don't really know what it is. I like cute things. Cute babies, animals, girls, etc. According to various sites, "cute" things demand attention and care from other people. Maybe I feel a need to care for something? Maybe I enjoy being a provider. I might never know. But when I see a smiling baby, it makes my day.
Sometimes the fact that I'm thinking about something and that I'm analyzing it makes it harder for me to understand. That's a mouthful. As in, the knowledge of psychological influences makes it harder to understand whether those psychological influences are actually at work, or whether I just think they are. It'd be a lot simpler if I just didn't know stuff like that.
Like, I feel like my love for babies comes from my attachment to the past and my childhood. A simpler time when I worried only about the simple pleasures. And their innocence. Their innocent views. Their clean slate. Not knowing of the world's pains and struggles. Of greed or violence or hate. Maybe ignorance really is bliss. I used to think that saying was really dumb. But it makes sense. The more you know, the less you know. Like the fact that I'm thinking about the innocence factor makes it harder to discern whether that factor really influences me or not. I dunno. It gets confusing.
Melissa said I was "mature". But I don't really know what that means. Is it being able to leave your childhood behind? Cuase sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to let go. Of that seemingly better time.

grades and tokyo

2009-05-24T01:35:00.000-07:00

Well, another unproductive day.

I just beat Resident Evil 4. It only took me like 5 days. haha. I was pretty into it and played like 4-5 hours a day. So, I guess that isn't surprising.

Other than that I spent time editing the footage from the theta tau video recordings to make some movies, listening to music, and surfing the web. Speaking of which, I found this cute kitten:

AWWWWW, KITTIE!

Anyway, I got all my grades back. And it wasn't very pretty.

The good news is that I didn't fail. But pretty close.

I got a C in Bio lecture. Which sucks major balls.
And I got a C+ in Physics. Which also sucks major balls, but to a lesser degree, since I knew it was coming. heh, that balls reference sort of makes sense.

Anyway, I got an A in Anthro, which was good.
And... unbelievably, I got an A in E45~! *OMG WOWZERS* Yeah, I have no idea why. I felt like I completely screwed up the final and I had an average on the midterm. So yeah... whatever, I'm not complaining.
And then a B+ in Bio lab. which is okay.

So overall my GPA stayed about the same. It fell by about 0.028 according to my calculations, which is far less deep of a cut than I had prepared for. I was hoping my GPA would go up this semester, but no. Unfortunately.

I noticed something pretty funny though. I have one class for every mixture of my expectations and outcomes:
1) Bio lec: expected to do well, did poorly
2) Physics: expected to do poorly, did poorly
3) Anthro: expected to do well, did well
4) E45: expected to do poorly, did well
5) Bio lab: expected to do okay, did okay

I NEED MORE LIKE #4!!! Seriously.

If only I had worked a bit harder in Bio. I think I might have underestimated that class just cause I had taken Bio AP before.
No matter how hard I try though, I never seem to get Physics very well. It's just one of those things I'll never get the hang of.

Anyway, enough about grades. I won't have to worry about school for another... month. Until summer school. I'm taking EE100 and Psych 162. Psych seems pretty easy, but EE100 is gonna be a pain in the butt. It has 6 hours of lab a week. -_____-
But before all of that crap, I get to go to JAPAN! YAY!

I'm planning out my trip right now. I actually bought a tokyo guidebook today cause I knew I didn't really know what the hell I was doing. I'd rather look through a guidebook than to fail pretending to be a tokyoite. The guidebook has some useful stuff, like iteneraries for short trips and maps of the city and subway system. I'm gonna focus my efforts on Shibuya, the main shopping district, Harajuku, the cosplay district, Shinjuku, the busy district (who am I kidding, they're all busy), and Akihabara, the electronics (nerd) district.
I'll be staying at my uncle's house for the first couple of days. Then I'm going to be at a hotel in Ginza, which is the high-end shopping district (Gucci, Armani). Of course, I'm not buying that expensive crap. Stuff in Shibuya and Harajuku is aimed towards teens and young adults and is much cheaper. Plus it's cool.
So yeah. For the most part, I'm gonna be exploring and taking pictures. And then buying clothes from stores around those areas. I just hope I make good decisions about what to buy. Sometimes I just find the whole store amazing and want to take everything. This is the first vacation where I'm on my own, at least for a couple of days. I'll have about 2 days on my own between my uncle's house and the Ginza hotel before my mom arrives. It'll be pretty pimp. Or lonely. Hopefully pimp though.

I'll try to get all of you guys (you know who you are) some goodies from Japan. Maybe a couple candy things (that they don't sell here) or some sort of useful goodie. I'll be spending most of my money on the clothes though, so don't get your hopes up.

SPEAKING of which, I want my god damn IPhone. IPhone 3.0 is coming out "this summer", which I'm going to estimate is around mid-July. And when I get it, it's going to be s-w-e-e-t. Finally, my life seems to be falling into place...

<3 melly

done

2009-05-22T02:50:00.001-07:00

I'm home.

Didn't do so well in Bio lecture. Did well in Anthro as expected. Other grades pending.

Slowly progressing in Resident Evil 4.

That is all.

I'm sleepy.

screamy vk

2009-05-20T02:43:00.001-07:00

this is my 2nd post of the day. well, it's technically wednesday but whatever.

what did I leave off with before I got all sad about grandpa?

Oh yeah. The concert in Japan.

It's gonna be awesome. These really good Visual-Kei bands are gonna be there: Sadie, lynch., Merry, heidi., and opening act Awoi. I know all of them and they're all amazing. They're on the harder side of JRock, with screamy vocals and heavy riffs. Just the way I like it. I never thought all these bands would come together and have a concert right when I'm going to Japan. I hella lucked out. I can't even explain how crazy this is. I've been idolizing these bands for a while. Their music is just that good. Each band (except for maybe Awoi) has produced songs that got me hooked for days. Especially Sadie. Back in high school, when I began to listen to VK, Sadie was my favorite band. I remember I started a fanpage on myspace for Sadie. And soon enough, it was the best and most-visited Sadie fanpage of them all. I felt proud of it. Even though I illegally downloaded the music. Anyway, the page got shut down by myspace and that sort of pissed me off. I restarted the fanpage. But after about a year, and getting shut down 2 more times, I gave the fanpage up. I guess I felt like I was sort of moving on. Plus I didn't want to put so much effort into something that I wasn't getting acknowledged for.

But now I'll finally be able to see them this summer. I doubt they'll do a signing thing, but if they do, I don't know what I'd say. I'm your biggest American fan! And since they're pretty indie, I really might be. But who knows.

I don't know what it is about Sadie and their music, their genre, that interests me. That makes me love their songs. Jordi thinks I'm weird cause the music I listen to is so angry. He would never listen to it. Kinda like how I won't listen to Bob Dylan by my own will.

I like Sadie cause they have distorted guitar sounds that are crunchy, melodies that are catchy, and lyrics that are deep. The vocals are amazing. Mao, the vocalist, reminds me of Kyo from Dir en grey. And I dunno why, but angry music has always spoken to me. The lyrics speak to me. The language of the lyrics. The frustration, obsession with death, the anger, drama, sadness, despair, carnage, and slight hopefulness.

I guess I'm an angry person. I listen to metalcore, screamo, heavy VK, some death metal, and stuff like that cause I feel like I can relate. Relate to the anger. The anger and frustration that's hard to explain and hard to justify. Just cause you get a bad grade or things aren't working out romantically. Through my toughest times in life, it seems like music was the only thing that was there for me. To pick me up off my feet. And to let me know that there are others out there too, feeling the same pain. I've recently been listening to a lot of screamy stuff. I remember I used to hate it cause it didn't seem like "real music", just really dissonant stuff. But I've changed. This music is gold to me now. Something about gutteral screams and high-pitched screams reminds me of myself. Wanting to break free. To scream out loud into the air. To release my frustrations. Something like that.

Anyway, I'm sleepy. I'm hitting the hay.

grandpa

2009-05-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

I'm finally free. I was about to die. Almost literally.

It's a weird feeling to be done. After studying for so long I still feel like I need to be doing something productive with my time.

I didn't do much today. It was the last day Melly was here with me. She'll be going to China for the next 3 months or so. That's gonna suck. :(

But I'll get through it somehow. I'm trying to look forward to good things. Like going to Japan. It's gonna be a great re-immersion into my culture. I'll feel so Japanese while I'm there, like I always do. I'm really looking forward to buying cool clothes and going to all the different districts and exploring. I hope I'm not putting too many expectations on it. But I'm sure it'll be kick-ass.

I also really want an IPhone. God damn, I've been waiting for over a year. At first I thought it was going to be too expensive. The cheapest plan was like 69.99 a month. I was like, WTF. But then I realized that you can just use a family plan and add the unlimited data plan for around $40-45. That seemed a lot more reasonable, so I'm planning to get it. The new IPhone 3.0 is coming out this summer. And it'll be awesome. They didn't change too much from the old iphone. But I want the new one so I won't be outdated immediately. The preview in March said that Apple was planning to start shipping it "this summer". Which could be June... or early September. I really want to get it soon. I know gadgets and devices won't make me truly happy. But I can pretend. It's also pretty good timing cause my 3 year old IPod is starting to crap out pretty quickly (the lithium battery near death) and my stupid Razr cell phone is acting up sometimes. I'm hoping that with the new release, they'll have a bigger HD available. Preferably 32GB or 64GB. That would make my day.

I didn't have the money at first, but my grandparents gave me a lot of money for my birthday. It's cause I turned 20, which is the adult age in Japan. It's a big deal over there. If I were there, I would be in a kimono doing some adult initiation ceremony thing. But I'm glad I'm not cause it's a waste of time in my opinion. I'd rather be chilling in the arcade.

But yeah. The only bad thing about Japan is that I'm not gonna have that many people to hang out with. Most of my days in Tokyo I'm just gonna be alone. Exploring areas and taking pictures. I'll visit one or two of the friends who live there, but I'll just be on my own for 3-4 days of the week or so I'll be there. Then my mom's gonna join me at the hotel and we'll spend some time in Tokyo a little longer. Then we're taking the bullet train to Hiroshima, where my mom's family is. My dad's family is near Tokyo, but both my grandparents are dead and there's no one except my uncle. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be staying with him the first few days I'm over in Japan. My mom's side of the family has been healthy... until recently. My grandpa might have cancer. :( :( :(
It kinda surprised me. I mean, he's old, but I didn't think he would get cancer. It's not 100% sure yet, but they gave him a 4, with 1 as no chance of cancer and 7 as definitely cancer. I'm not sure what to expect. All I can think of is how I can spend my time with him effectively. I haven't really been that close to him cause he seems so stern and strict. He's not that bad really. But I think he puts on a strict appearance and tries to act tough. We've had some good times together. Like he went to the Atomic Bomb Memorial Museum with me years ago. He's never gone before because he was actually a survivor of the bomb and it brought up too many bad memories I guess. But he did it for me. And he also went to go see this movie about a WWII Japanese battleship that was really popular a couple years ago called Yamato. And whenever we talk over the phone, he asks me if I want anything from Japan. I always refuse, but I can tell he's trying to make my life as good as possible. He's pretty generous. I don't get to see my grandpa that often, but when I do, I feel like I can understand him a little bit.

He hasn't died yet, but it's inevitable. It's sad to think about. He's lived an honorable life though. President of a shipping company that's been going strong. A father of two (my mom and aunt). An a-bomb survivor. He worked hard his whole life, even through the recession and things like that. I wish I could get to know him more.

I was going to write about the concert I'm planning to go to, but now I'm just thinking about my grandpa. And it makes me sad.

boobs

2009-05-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

I pretty much bombed physics. I really think I did. Like 30%. I didn't understand 3 of the 8 questions at all and wrote some random crap down. I'm hoping I got the true/false section right and I felt good about the thermo part. But the electromagnetics stuff was just terrible.

I'm so tired today. Besides physics I also had bio. Bio wasn't too bad. I think I did alright. I'll probably end up with a B or something. But physics... god. I think I might get a C again. FML.

And I don't like thinking about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. Well obviously it's best to just move on, but I keep dwelling on the mistakes I made. I'm afraid of finding out my grades in the coming weeks. I feel like my GPA might go down... :(

I was so stressed today during the tests. I was jittery cause of the caffeine. I had a full throttle before Bio and then a red bull before physics. I do that because I actually almost fell asleep during my physics midterm back in 7A. I vowed never again. And I got really nervous today cause my grades were on the line. I kept pulling my hair and scratching myself. It was a sort of fear that I felt inside. That this was the only moment that mattered. All those nights studying in main stacks was coming down to the test. I was so depressed afterwards cause physics was so terrible. Like I said, I did okay on Bio, and it turns out I did a little below average on the 2nd lab exam, so I think with the high score I got on the first one, I should be getting a B+ or an A- hopefully.

I just want finals to be over. But unfortunately I have two more on monday, Anthro and E45. I think I'll do fine in anthro. I always do fine. It's just memorizing history and a few facts, which I've been good at so far. It's just that this one is longer and more detailed. But I'm sure it'll work out. I'm really afraid of the E45 final cause I've been doing so poorly in that class. I bombed my first midterm and got average on the 2nd midterm. Thankfully the better midterm takes precedence and counts for double and the lower one gets dropped. Or something like that. So with all the hw and labs and crap, I think I have about average. So I can't afford to screw this up. This last chance to prove myself. I haven't been able to learn that well in that class, mostly because I don't get much out of lecture. I need one-on-one explanations to understand these weird material science concepts.

Anyway, enough about that crap. I need to go get dinner. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. Right now it's just a buttload of hurt. I need to sleep.

waste

2009-05-12T02:07:00.000-07:00

fuck this. i hate studying.

i get some sort of pleasure out of knowing that i'm learning things, but it's stressful just thinking about all that I need to cover.

I have two finals on thursday. I have two more days to study. I'm probably gonna be in the library for the next 2 days about 12 hours/day. I really need to get all the studying I can get because I have a borderline grade in both bio and physics right now. If I mess up on the final(s), I could potentially get a B- or lower in both classes. It's really stressing me out. And then I have two more finals next monday.

I wish things would get better.

I also wish some people appreciated their birthday gifts that took half an hour to prepare, even if it is rude. I just won't go through the effort of thinking of birthday gifts anymore then. fucking pissed me off.

And all kinds of other shit happening, little things, that annoy me. That won't go away. I just want to punch something, or throw something, or break something. Vent my anger on some poor innocent thing. Blame something helpless. Let go of all my frustrations on it. Torment it in the same way these things torment me.

I just want to be done. I'm stressed. My hair is falling out. I'm getting a lot of acne. My body hurts. I'm tired. I'm distracted. I can't even think straight.

I'm fucking angry right now and I hope I sleep it off. There's nothing going right. Nothing. I don't even know if I'm studying the right way. I feel like I'm still gonna fail. No matter how hard I try, these finals are going to kick my ass. Because I never do well in science. I'm sick of always getting average or at best barely above average here at fucking berkeley. FUCK these finals. Fuck this place. Fuck everything that goes wrong.

I hate you. Whoever's reading this. I don't even care.

red bull

2009-05-10T04:05:00.000-07:00

Huh... that Red Bull was a terrible decision. especially at 10PM.
it's funny how i keep making the same mistakes regarding caffeine. just doesn't seem to go my way. i actually looked up "are energy drinks bad for you" on google and found an article that says its not. well, it is in the sense that you can get jitters and stuff like that. but caffeine has very mild long-term effects on the body. i think they called it "benign".

But yeah. Thanks a lot Melissa. I know you told me not to drink it, but you initially gave it to me. So I'll just blame you. :) jk jk. I blame the company that makes red bull.

Today was pretty good I guess. We had our last CJC event of the semester, our "End of Semester Party". It kinda sucked cause our planning was a little off and only 30-35 people came. That sounds like a lot, but last semester it was around 50. Probably should have made it a week earlier. But it went pretty smoothly. The food was good and we didn't run out this time. There was even enough for the officers to take home. I'm looking forward to eating it for lunch tomorrow. Yum.
Besides eating and chatting, we started up the karaoke machine. People flocked over and it was pretty exciting. I ended up singing "Konayuki" by Remioromen with some other people. I was sort of self-conscious of my voice, but I think people didn't mind much. I also wanted to sing "Doushite Kimi Wo Suki Ni Natte Shimattandarou?" by Touhoushinki, but no one else knew the song. -______- maybe next time.
There was this one Korean ballad that Daniel and Wonsub sang, and I thought it sounded pretty good. I didn't know the name of it though when I was searching for it afterwards, so I had to search for "Korean Ballads" on google, which came up with a bajillion hits. I eventually found the song. It's called "Bo Go Ship Da" by Kim Bum Soo. It's really good. I recommend it to everyone.

Overall, it was a pretty good event. People seemed to have fun. I just wish there were a few more people maybe.

I'm sort of worried about next semester. I'm going to be President of CJC. I really don't know if I'll be able to do a good job or not. I know I'll be dedicated and put in my time. But sometimes I feel like things can get out of control quickly. Events can go haywire. Like today, I messed up the microphone system for the karaoke by mistake toward the beginning of the event and it took about 20 minutes to fix this simple mistake. When you're president, you have to take responsibility for the club's actions. And I'm scared that things might happen beyond my control. I'm also worried that my Japanese speaking skills aren't up to par. When visitors come over from Japan or write correspondance e-mails, I don't think I'll have the necessary formal training necessary to go through that. I'm so used to casual talk. I don't want visitors to get a bad impression and think that CJC is for "Japanese-Americans". Although I technically am one. But CJC is meant mainly for Japanese natives.
I consider myself a native, even though I was born here. I don't really associate myself as American most of the time, it just has a bad connotation. No one likes Americans outside of America. Hell, a lot of people dont like American in America itself.

Anyway, enough ranting.

wait, there's more!

Finals are coming up. And they're going to kick my ass pretty hard. I organized all my notes today so that I have everything I need for each final in piles. But I haven't gotten down to the nitty gritty review and practice problems. I started doing bio lecture stuff today and got a little way through. But I still have a lot to go through. I feel pretty screwed in physics. There's just so much information. And I haven't even started on the Maxwell equations stuff. And for E45, for some reason, they decided it would be a good idea to make homework and a lab report due during finals week. jerks.

So yeah. I have a lot to do. i really want to get work done tomorrow (today). I really need to have more discipline.

digestive caeca

2009-05-04T01:55:00.000-07:00

Today (actually yesterday) was a good day.

I woke up early, got brunch at crossroads with Melissa, and basically studied all day. I actually had a nap around noon. But for the most part, I was pretty productive. I got studying done for Bio lab and physics. I finished the physics hw way way early so that I wouldn't have to worry about it this week. I felt productive. It was a good feeling. Feeling like I was making my future better.

Anyway, this week is going to be study hell. I basically don't have any work left besides my E45 lab report due next Monday.

I have my Bio Lab Exam II (which is our last test, so kinda like a final) on Friday during lab. It's going to be a monster of a test. I really hope I prepare enough for it. I still have a lot of time, but I've always been really bad with looking at slides or pictures of organisms and figuring out body parts. I need to practice that this week.

Then for finals I have Bio and Physics on the 14th. Then Anthro and E45 on the 18th. Then I'll go home. And hopefully sleep a little bit more. But yeah. I've been feeling positive the last couple days so hopefully that continues. Actually I'll probably feel like crap tomorrow morning. I'm guessing around 5 hours of sleep.

dream

2009-05-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

That was such a weird dream.

I was outside on my street in Davis. I saw people I know all running over to my next-door neighbor's house, so I ran over too. By the time I got there, the last person was getting to the house. I said hi, but she ignored me, with sort of an angry look on her face, and ran in. I thought that was weird, but I proceeded to go to the house. I went in, looked left, and there was a dinner table with all my Davis friends sitting or standing around. It was quiet. Everyone looked sad. There were party decorations and stuff on the table and around the room. My friend Rebecca said, "Sorry Ariel". Apparently we had ruined her birthday surprise. "It's okay", said Ariel. I don't know why Ariel happened to walk into her own surprise party or why it was held at my next-door neighbor's house.

Yeah, that was a weird-ass dream. I wasn't thinking of Rebecca, Ariel, or my neighbor's house at all, so I don't know where this came from. Probably cause I was thinking about Davis yesterday. Speaking of which, Swine Flu spread to Davis. WTF.

boo

2009-04-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

today was good.

I went to go see Aurora, the AAA culture show put on by the Issues committee (with Melly). It was a lot better than I had imagined. Especially the wushu guys. They were intense. Plus I stole the glow sticks that they had at the end. I think there are like 100 sticks. The small wristband ones though. If you guys want them back, let me know.

Anyway, I have a lot of work to do. Another busy week. Midterms may be over, but the work never stops coming. I have E45 hw due Tuesday, E45 lab report due Wednesday, the usual physics hw due Friday, and Bio Lab on Friday too. I need to work harder in Bio. Both lecture and lab. I totally failed the quizzes on the invertebrates stuff. I failed hard. Probably like 0.5/5 points. I'm afraid I'm gonna fail the upcoming Lab Exam 2 and my super awesome score on Lab Exam 1 will be for nothing. I'm pretty behind in bio lecture too. I just started highlighting stuff in the lecture reader, but I feel like I should be doing more.

I dunno. I've been trying to take it easy though. I feel burnt out sort of. I just want to relax and take naps in the warm sun. That's the effect that spring weather has on me, and a lot of people. But I guess I should sleep now.

Ugh. I have telebears tomorrow. But I'm not sure if I really want to take what I'm planning to. I definitely want to do the BioE stuff, but MCBC100A, the physical chemistry course, looks like a pain in the butt. It's supposedly necessary if I want to do anything important in life, but it seems like a crapload of work. Like, almost as bad as OChem maybe.

Whatevsss. I'm tired.

terrible

2009-04-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

Today was terrible. I don't know why I feel so bad. But I do. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm so tired. Last night was boat dance. Which was amazing. But I haven't gotten very much sleep this week. 5-6 hours a day for a week adds up. And I feel like collapsing and passing out.
Also, some things didn't go the way I planned. I noticed that I get really frustrated when things don't go the way I want them to. I really need to learn how to go with the flow. But I'm such a weird perfectionist. I don't know if that'll ever happen.
Anyway, I got my E45 midterm back today and got the average. I was really disappointed. I felt like I studied really hard for it. The worst part was that I missed this one simple question that I misread and lost 11 points, which would have bumped me to about one standard deviation above average. But no, I screwed up. Under the time constraints and the anxiety, I didn't know what I was doing. The plus side is that this midterm replaces the crappy midterm 1 grade I had. But now I only have the final to prove myself worthy of getting above average.
Then, I went to Bio lab and was lost again. I took a quiz that I was totally unprepared for. We're doing stuff on invertebrates right now, but I'm completely lost. There are way too many things to remember and the quizzes are near impossible.
And then I noticed that one of my friends had broken up with her long-term boyfriend of 2 years. We went to the local starbucks and talked about it. It made me start thinking about the futility of it all. About how meaningless things are sometimes. How no matter how I try, happiness is only temporary. I keep wondering why I can't enjoy the now. To enjoy the moment.

I keep stressing out about school. I keep hoping, wishing for a better future. I keep waiting anxiously for things that I want, for school to be over and for me to relax. To be happy. I don't understand why it has to be so hard to be happy. I think it's because we're at Berkeley. I was talking to my friend about it. But the fact that Berkeley students are so high-achieving, we have high expectations as a result. It's stupid though. No one can be perfect.

I'm so sleepy. I need to take a shower and sleep.
But I want to get all my thoughts out. To vomit it out here. On this page. Like a hangover. Maybe throwing my words on here will make me feel better about myself.

Sometimes I hate my life. And I don't know why.
I want people to help me. But at the same time, I don't. I need to be stronger. I need to be able to lift myself up. To not give in to the evil forces around me.

This pain is tugging at my heart strings. And the hollow screams that I thought had left my body are still quietly simmering in the depths of my soul.
What I need to do is to forget. Forget my name. Forget everything I've ever done and ever owned. And to start over. I need to start again.

my flippy floppies

2009-04-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is boat dance! And I'm excited. After midterms were done with the end of last week, I just totally relaxed. Theta Tau retreat was awesome and I had a good birthday. I'm 20 now. It's weird to think about. 1/5 of a century.

I'm not liking bio right now. Lab or lecture. The material just doesn't interest me. All this diversity stuff. And the endrocrine system/hormones are sort of interesting. but not really my thing.

I guess the most exciting news I have is, wait, I think 2 pieces of exciting news. Well, not really. Ugh, whatever.
1) I got a 97 on my 2nd anthro midterm. With the 97 I got on my 1st midterm, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna pass this class with an A. That is, of course, as long as I don't bomb the final. I think it's pretty funny how science/engineering majors tend to do better in the humanities/social science classes than the students of those majors. Total fail on their part. LAZY BUMS.
2) I think I secured a research position. I was frantically searching for a professor to work under for next Fall (and possibly this summer). I got one denial, two ignores, and one response that said to write a review paper that cited 30 sources. I was like "WTF. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?". Well, today, I was drinking coffee in Yali's in Stanley Hall, studying for the physics quiz. I looked up and I saw this familiar-looking man ordering his food and drink. I figured out who it was. It was that one professor I saw on the Berkeley Bioengineering website. The one without a link to his own website. He was filed under "Bioinstrumentation", the tab I was looking under for professors. I wasn't sure whether I should go talk to him, but I figured you only live once. I went up to him as he was at the condiments table getting a cap for his drink when I introduced myself. He was happy to sit down with me, and we talked for the next 20 minutes or so on what I was trying to accomplish through research and what research he was doing. And somewhere along the way he said he'd be happy to take me. Man, that was pretty lucky. Good thing I decided to talk to him. His major research interest, which has to do with fluorescence microscopy and optimizing microscopic techniques, seems interesting enough. It's not exactly the disease diagnostics stuff I was looking for. But I'm sure it could be applied to disease somehow. Anyway, he's a new professor at Cal, and relatively young, so he's easier to talk to than the older, more experienced, more intimidating professors with all the crazy awards. I really hope I get to work with him next year. I just sent him an e-mail with the details on what I want to do.

Well, I should probably get to reading bio. Tomorrow's gonna be a pretty good day.

speaking of flippy floppies, I started wearing my flip flops on tuesday and it hurts like a mofo walking in them. I haven't worn them since last summer so my feet are really sensitive. Considering the fact that I have no arch, the nonexistent arch support on the flip flops are killing my feet. I think I'm getting a callous toward the top, below the toes.

fatty

2009-04-22T00:16:00.001-07:00

I'm getting fat. I'm almost 150lbs. When I sit down, there's a fat bulge on my stomach where there didn't used to be one. The layer of fat I feel between the outer skin and the inner muscle has definitely increased. I need to stop eating that cake Theta Tau got me and start walking around more. My goal is to return to 145. Or maybe starve myself and get to 140. Super skinny for the win!

I should probably go work out. But I'm too lazy.

Retreat

2009-04-19T02:09:00.000-07:00

And here I am. Theta Tau is on retreat. It's been an eye-opening experience. I'm not just saying that.

So we're in Santa Cruz. We got here Friday night. And it's been amazing. The weather today was great so we all decided to go to the boardwalk. It was packed with people, but the beach was sooooo nice. It was sunny and breezy, but not hot enough to burn people up.

People are drunk right now and I'm having trouble writing this. I can't really drink cause the alcohol messes up my antidepressants. I think it has to do with the serotonin levels.

Anyway, yeah. So today was my birthday. It was pretty cool. I'm really thankful for all the people that said happy birthday to me. Especially Melissa. She baked me a cake. And hand-made me a beautiful card. I'm a lucky guy. :)
And then Lee called me up and totally freaks me out by saying that he and the rest of Oh Sketch had been waiting outside of my apartment for an hour with a cake waiting for me to come back. But I kinda figured out he was kidding. It was still freaky though. He and Jordi had a good laugh at that.

It's times like these, when I'm outside of the Berkeley bubble, that I realize how big the world is. How trivial the things I do day to day seem. The tests and assignments I worry about. There's so much to life. There's so much to enjoy. There's so much potential for everyone. But we waste it all on being anxious and worried.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. There are a lot of things on my mind. But I'm also tired. I'm barely awake drinking this 7up. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night cause people were up late hanging out.

I don't know what to say. I guess what I want to say after all of this drama in Theta Tau and all the things I've thought about through the day is that. The world is big. And there is potential. Potential for me to change. To work with others. To discover the world. I want to change. But I feel comfortable where I am. I don't want to move. My apathy regarding everything sets in. But I know I have to better myself. Now. Now's the only time. While I'm young.

waoh

2009-04-13T01:02:00.000-07:00

I am not looking forward to finding out my physics and bio midterm grades... also not looking forward to the E45 midterm this Friday. But at least I'll be free after that until midterms.

I really need to learn how to manage my time better. I keep watching those cute baby videos.

like any other

2009-04-12T01:52:00.000-07:00

well, I failed to get work done again today. I was keen on getting at least some stuff done. But all I did was read one of the reading assignments for Anthro. That's all. I started taking notes for the anthro chapter I'm supposed to read too, but I'm far from the end. I think I'll do that as much as I can before I go to sleep.

Today was pretty unproductive. But fun. Well, the beginning anyway. I woke up at around 9:45AM because I had to get ready for CJC's Okonomiyaki Party. Okonomiyaki is basically a Japanese crepe/pancake sort of thing. It's made of eggs, flour, yam, shrimp, water, and pieces of ham. We also added salt, pepper, special bbq-type sauce, and other condiments. The event itself was pretty successful. Everything went well. We got around 25 people to show up. The ingredients we bought were just about the right amount. The only thing is that we ran out of drinks too quickly. I only bought 2 two-liter bottles of soda cause I didn't think so many people would show up. But everything else was fine. Thank the flying spaghetti monster that I remembered to bring extra napkins, plates, cups, and other stuff cause we definitely needed everything I brought.
We even made a profit from the event. Ooooh. That reminds me. From all our hard work doing the financial budget for the ASUC, CJC is going to get money! I think they have an offer of $343 or something. Which is pretty good compared to our $150 last year. People are expecting me to become president of CJC next semester. Which I'd be happy to do. But I still feel sort of uncomfortable with the aspect of having to be in contact with so many Japanese people. The people at Cal are fine. But foreign exchange students, business people from Japan, and visitors might be weirded out by my sort-of-broken-but-not-really Japanese. I've always been self-conscious when using Japanese. I haven't been able to express myself the way I want to. And I always have to come up with another word to substitute for the word I don't know. it's annoying. My biggest fear is that these people directly from Japan get a bad impression of CJC, like it's some Japanese-American thing. I get so easily offended when people associate me with my American side. I don't know why. I think I might be trying to feel special. Different. And the fact that I actually conform to American culture bothers me. Like I'm not special here. With my Japanese side, my style, I can be something that stands out here in America. I dunno. It's a psychological thing. I need to work on my self-confidence around Japanese people. I always feel like I'm going to be judged. Like they'll point fingers at me and start laughing at my weird Japanese. Which has happened before. Or that they won't acknowledge that I'm a "real Japanese" since I wasn't born there or have lived there. Which has also happened before.

All this fear I carry. Second to failure in school, I think this fear of being rejected by my Japanese peers and having a very high expectation of myself of knowing Japanese culture/language is perhaps my greatest fear.

Well this story went off on a tangent. I really need to work on Anthro.

the quiet things

2009-04-11T00:52:00.000-07:00

It hurts to think about the things that I'm too afraid to say.

There are just some things that I'm sure I'll just keep to myself until I die.

But I don't want it to be that way.

I've been so busy lately. Just had Theta Tau Installation yesterday, where we installed our Beta Class of 14 new actives. We're proud of them. On Wednesday night, we all went up to the Big C and grilled the pledges so that they had a better idea of what they were getting into. It was fun. But I've been so stressed out cause of that and school. Trying to balance everything. I stayed up til 3 or 4 for 3 nights this week just trying to get stuff done. I got everything done barely. But there are some things I'm behind on, like Anthro. I need to do that this weekend. I also need to work on E45. The midterm is next Friday and the lab is due next Wednesday. This is my chance to redeem myself. My last midterm sucked so much. But the grading has changed so that the better midterm will count double the points. So as long as I do well on this one, I might save my grade. But it puts so much pressure on this upcoming midterm, I might freak out and forget everything again.

And I'm sick now too. I've had a sore throat for the past couple days. And slight coughing. I really need to have better nutrition and more sleep. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing all these things.

I guess the most exciting thing that I can think of, besides Theta Tau stuff and spending time with Melly, is figuring out my coursework for next semester. For the past two years, I've been spending my time here at Cal wondering if I really will enjoy my major or not. I came in as Bioengineering and have stayed there since. But I only took one class, BioE 10, and had the internship last summer. Those two things are the only experience I have so far. But now, I'll be done. This semester is the last semester where I have crappy lower division requirements. Starting this summer I'll be taking Electrical Engineering 100 and Psychology 162. AND. Next Fall I'll be taking... dum dum dum... UPPER DIV BIOE COURSES. Specifically BioE 102, Biomechanics, as well as BioE 150, Intro to Nanomaterials and Nanoscience. I also plan to take MCB C100A/Chem C130, the Physical chemistry course. Which I'm sort of sad about. Cause I've never been fond of chem. And this is going to be an ass-rape of a course. I'm also going to be starting research next semester. I haven't found a professor yet, but I'll get around to that. I think I'll be doing the BioE 199 pass/no pass research option cause I feel like the other courses, especially the physical chemistry one, will be eating up a lot of time.

But yeah. Things are looking up. I guess. Sometimes I'm too tired to know whether that's true or not. I feel so busy, abiding by a rigid schedule everyday, that I glance over my life. As if it were a game. And that I'm just trying to optimize my time studying, playing, etc. Like a strategy. I don't want it to be a strategy though. It gives me security in the fact that I can plan my life and have it go according to plan. But sometimes I want things to run smoothly without me having to plan things out so scrupulously.

I feel bad cause I've been spending a lot of money lately. And it's not even mine. It's my parents' money. But most of the things I buy are necessary. Books and food. But even then, it tends to add up. I would probably save more money if I just learned how to cook. I'm such a failure in that aspect. Hopefully I can get a good job in the future and pay back my parents for everything they've given me.

Well, I have to get up early tomorrow for CJC's Okonomiyaki Party. I have all the crap with me and I have to get someone to come over early to help me carry the equipment.

I feel like I still have a lot to say, but whatever. It'll come later.
Maybe even the painful things.

take it slow

2009-04-06T01:18:00.000-07:00

that's what we're gonna do.

that's all i have to say.

sometimes

2009-04-05T12:48:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I get this weird feeling that I've only been alive for a couple of months.

Like everything before that is a distant memory. Like something I read in a book. I can't seem to formulate good memories from that recent past. And the distant past, my childhood, seems so long ago. I've forgotten almost everything that happened. I've become more self-aware in the last year or so. I've been wondering what I was doing with my life for the past 18 years.

I went to school, I came home, played, ate dinner. What was I thinking though? Was I aware at all about who I was and how I came to be where I was? It's difficult for me to live in the present, cause I always worry about the future. And it's difficult to remember the past, because all I seem to remember are the bad times, if any at all.

So what time do I live in? I don't seem to know.

I live day to day. Going to school and coming back. Going to school and coming back. Eating. Showering. Brushing my teeth. But I keep wondering if my life were meant for something better than this. Or something worse. No doubt my life is great compared to some impoverished kid in Africa or Southeast Asia, but my life doesn't glitter like those of really important scientists or kid prodigies. What circumstances allowed me to get where I am? I don't think I'll really ever know.

I'm enjoying my life, especially recently. But often I step back and think about what the significance is of all this that surrounds me. Does studying and losing sleep for these midterms really matter in the end? Is there something I could be doing that would be more productive toward making my life better?

There are no easy answers to these questions. But it's what I think about. Cause the past is so distant and the future is so dull and the present is so fleeting.

Sometimes I wish it were easier to figure out.

the weekend

2009-04-05T03:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, that energy drink I had at around 10:30pm was a terrible decision. Now I don't feel sleepy. It usually lasts like 4 hrs so I guess I could get to sleep if I tried. But I don't feel particularly sleepy. Just tired.

I tried working on Physics today. Woke up at like 1pm and went to the review session. Did not take a single thing away from that except for regret and repression. I went back home and typed up a 5 page outline of all that we've covered on the electricity stuff. Man, I suck at setting up equations. I'm pretty good if it's just changing the equation from one type to another, but I can't seem to look at a shape and figure out how to manipulate equations based on it.

I've never been very good with geometry. Always found algebra so much easier. Numbers are numbers. But shapes change and are so weird.

Anyway, more importantly, Spring Formal was yesterday. It was AMAZING! I went with Melissa and we had a great time. It was basically just me and her and her friend Jaclyn. The DJ was really good. I think what makes or breaks a good DJ is his ability to make good transitions. Which he did for the most part. A couple times along the way he sort of killed the beat, but overall it was pretty good. AND THEN. He played Big Bang's Lies Dance Remix. OMG, I was freaking outtt. Unfortunately Melissa was off taking her picture with Issues, so that kind of sucked. But I was jumping around like crazy. I never thought a DJ in America would play KPop. I'm assuming he was trying to appeal to the Asian crowd. Which was like all of us. And he played a lot of other good songs too. I just wish he had played more hyphy music. He played like 3 or 4 songs, but they were the mainstream overplayed ones like "Tell Me When To Go", "Blow The Whistle", and "Ghost Ride It". I would have liked to hear the less played ones...

Anyway, I took a picture with Melissa and Jaclyn. And then a few couples' pics with Melissa. :)
It was sort of awkward at first. But it got smoother after a while. And I danced a lot with her too. It felt very natural. It was really nice. And I had soooo much fun. Hopefully we'll be hanging out more often.

I spent like all my energy that night. My feet hurt. I was so tired. I slept at like 3am and woke up at 1pm, but was still exhausted. Didn't get that much work done today.

It's funny cause the only ones who will probably read this are Melissa, Jordi, and Lee. And maybe Alan. So it's weird to talk about these things because I've mentioned this to each of them individually already.

Well, now I have to get ready for midterms. I have Physics on Tuesday night and Bio on Wednesday morning. Again. It's the same as the first round. Pisses me off. I feel even less prepared this time than the last. I'm so screwed...

Good night guys.

it is spring

2009-04-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

I have an anthro midterm tmrw. -_______-

I guess the last one was too easy because he put a bunch of questions on the study guide... this is gonna suck!

But wow. It's already Thursday. The week's almost over! :D

Yay for Spring Formal!

looking up

2009-04-01T02:45:00.001-07:00

today was great!

thanks melissa. :) you're awesome.

I feel like even though I had a crappy day at school, like I always seem to do, I felt good being around other people.

I'm too tired to write anything else. I should probably go to sleep. lol.

babies

2009-03-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

And here it goes...

Another two months of school before summer. UGH. Well, technically a month and a half.

This'll be a toughy. I'm tired already. haha.

But I don't feel as bad as I did during Spring Break. I worked on my E45 Lab today and finished the bulk of it. It feels good to be past the halfway point.

I realize that I can do well if I apply myself. As in read the books and relevant material. But most of the time, I'm too lazy and/or preoccupy myself with other things like Theta Tau or CJC or Sam's ASUC campaign stuff.

The Student Action kickoff was today. Good stuff. Sam's other staff and I went around and chalked some of southside and some of northside. If you go anywhere near the sidewalks, I'll guarantee you'll see it. We concentrated mostly on Telegraph, Asian Ghetto, and some places on northside.

And yeah... I'm finally back in my apartment. It's nice to be independent sometimes. I think I feel a bit like a baby though. I went back home and watched some videos of my time as a baby. I'm surprised that most people don't have videos of their baby years (Jordi). I have more than a few scenes from every step of the way, from when I was born, to toddler years. I was the cutest thing EVER. I need to get some pictures or upload a video one of these days. My dad got one of those dvd/vcr things where you could copy a VHS onto a DVD. So we could save the old family videos. It was pretty cool.

I don't know. I have a weird fascination with babies. Maybe it's because I feel like a baby at heart. I need love and support. I've grown up to feed myself and cloth myself and do all this other stuff. But I still feel the need for security. I think that's why I love babies so much. Because they remind me of those innocent times. Those times when I didn't have to worry about school or my future. When I could just grow up and learn new things as they came. And my mind wasn't boggled down by knowledge of genocide or war or greed or hate. All I knew was the pleasure of eating and drinking and sleeping. Which I don't appreciate as much these days. Babies represent the soft side of me. The part that nobody sees. Sometimes I act cutesy or like a baby at home, for fun. My brother does it too. I think it means we're comfortable and are able to be vulnerable at home.

I feel like I'll make a good father. I love babies so much. Despite my nihilistic senses, I feel like having a child would help change my life. Well, obviously. But I mean, it would change my beliefs in what the world means. It would give me some purpose. To make my kid's opportunities even better than what I had. Sometimes all that keeps me going in life when the times are rough is the thought that someday I'll have a beautiful wife and a cute baby son or daughter. I might not become the richest guy, or the smartest. But to know that I can live those precious stages of life gives me some hope. That the future can be brighter.

And even if I go through these terrible, hurtful romantic tumbles right now, I feel like maybe it'll make me a better person in the end. To let me understand what I'm looking for. To be able to pinpoint what kind of wife I would want.

That's what I believe anyway.

ramble rumble

2009-03-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gonna try to sleep early today. The reason? I don't want to work on my E45 lab. And it's the only productive thing I could be doing right now, so I figure I'd rather sleep and work on it earlier tomorrow.

Well, I'm leaving for Berkeley tomorrow.

I'm glad I had this past week off. It's been nice chilling at home, even though I've been anxious the entire time of work I should be doing. But in the end I got a lot of sleep, met up with some friends, and ate good home-cooked food. Being at home made me realize that life isn't so bad when you aren't alone, tired, and overworked.

And with that, I'm going back tomorrow. Probably around 1pm. I should probably go get a haircut too. I need to buy groceries and stuff while my dad's there so we can transport stuff by car. The only things that come to mind are water and cheez-its. I literally can't think of anything else I would need.

I really need to cut down this soda addiction. I usually laugh about it, but it's getting sort of annoying. I have cravings from time to time. I got a 2-liter with my delivery pizza the other day. And I drank the whole thing in a day. That was a bit too much. I don't really know why I like soda so much. I think it might be because it's sweet. And because water is just too plain to me most of the time. It feels like it fuels me and gives me energy. Even though there are like no carbs. It's just the sugar. But yeah, I feel so guilty drinking it sometimes around other people. Cause they notice that I drink a lot of soda. I remember back in Japanese school this one girl said, "You really like carbonated drinks, huh?" I think that's when I first realized I had a problem. I think it started back in high school when I learned to drive. Before that, soda was a delicacy because my parents would never allow it in the house. But once I learned to drive, I would be able to go to restaurants and drink whenever I wanted. And I've been doing that to this day. I've become such an "expert" at it that I can pick out what kinds would be popular for parties or which have too much sugar vs. too little. Too flat vs. longer lasting. Stuff like that. But, it hasn't really led to any detrimental effects to my health (unlike energy drinks for example), so I haven't had any real reason to stop drinking sodas. Maybe I'll learn to enjoy the simple water for dinner as I get older...

Hm... what else? Oh, one exciting thing. I've been learning how to play piano. I used to play for 6 years or so when I was a kid, but in 8th grade I switched to guitar. I really hated piano because I played these classical pieces that just didn't interest me. I wanted to play rock songs, music I actually listened to. I'm pretty glad I switched to guitar. Most girls dig guys who can play ballads on an acoustic. heh.
But after a while, and after watching people play piano, I began to miss it. I never thought much of it, but from time to time, I returned to my family's piano and tried playing things from memory. I've forgotten almost everything I know.
There's this really good pianist on youtube called David Sides. He plays really good solo piano versions of pop songs, including The Scientist, Apologize, Icebox, What Goes Around, Umbrella, Closer, etc. For one of his remakes, "Apologize", he had a tutorial! So I took time today to learn it. It wasn't too bad, especially since he just shows you by video where to play and not just from sheet music. I learned from the intro to chorus on both hands and it felt good to be able to play something popular and not "boooring classical".

I really want to learn how to read music. Right now I'm really slow at it. I can barely read. Like someone trying to read a French novel in French 1. They'd have to look up in a dictionary every other word. That's kind of like me. I have to look at the treble clef and think "Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge" for the EGBDF lines. No joke. I'm that terrible. And then the "Good Boys Deserve Fudge Always" for the GBDFA lines on the bass clef. And then I have to remember the sharps and flats. It'd take a miracle and dozens of hours of practice to be able to get good at that stuff.
Plus I don't know any music theory. Most of the stuff I play is by ear and I've been sort of improvising things I didn't know how to play instead of analyzing the chord progression or scales. It's been working I guess. In both guitar and piano I notice these chord progressions that come up very often in pop songs and it's pretty easy to fit new songs into those designs. I'd probably be a lot better at music if I just applied myself. But I don't have the time.

I wish I enjoyed what I did. Right now, school just sucks. I listened to one of my friends Kaitlyn talk about her fun time at Stanford. She's majoring in English, and she really enjoys what she does. I mean, even she had to admit that it was troubling trying to think of what she was going to do after she graduated, but to be able to do what you love is such a good feeling. It would definitely motivate me to work harder. But right now, the classes I'm taking, Material Science, General Bio, General Physics, and Anthro, don't really interest me. I guess it does from time to time, but I would never do anything out of class that I didn't have to.
I'm gonna be taking upper div BioE courses starting next semester and I'm hoping that opens my eyes to the field and really motivates me to become a better student. My GPA sucks right now. I think it's a 3.2. And I'm not sure whether or not my grades this semester will improve that or not. Stupid E45.

Sometimes I feel like all my life comes down to is grades. My friend Vincent always says "You are not your grades", but it's hard to believe that when grad schools and industry look at your grades to determine whether or not you are qualified for a position or not.
I try to compensate by doing Cal Japan Club and Theta Tau, so I can feel like I'm contributing somehow to the community. But I feel like if I was just a bit smarter, or had more motivation and did well in school, I wouldn't even need those outlets. If I was just better at academics and excelled at Berkeley (which is hard to do), I wouldn't need all these excuses and I wouldn't have all this depression. I think. I wouldn't feel like such a failure.

I always used to say that there were two realms, academics and romance. If one of them was fulfilled, things wouldn't be so bad. It's only when both are crappy that my life goes in a downward spiral. But this one-way thinking is really destructive, so I'm trying to change that.

But once I think about it, the things that have brought me the most pleasure in my life is having the comfort of a girlfriend and doing well in school. I think those are the only things that have genuinely made me happy. And maybe doing well in clubs. But there's so much social anxiety associated with that. With academics and romance, I feel like everything is under my control. And if I mess up it's my fault, but if I succeed, it's all due to my hard work. Clubs are more of a group effort, which is necessary in life sometimes, but I like doing things solo a lot.

I've just been rambling on and on.

So I guess I'll stop here.

I like how everything I write always ends up about school or girls. Actually I don't. That's sarcasm. It's kind of hard to show through writing.

another one bites the dust

2009-03-28T02:44:00.001-07:00

Hey, it's kind late.

Why did I drink that soda at like 12:30AM? I have very bad judgment.

I think I'll post another poem I wrote a while ago, to save me some time. I think this is one of my better poems:

Another Day

A quiet afternoon
Summer's finally here
The heat waves flicker off the glass
Passing through the vents
And arriving at your pad
Opened freezer door
Head pouring sweat like mighty waterfalls
Somewhere up in the horizon

Breezes whistle here and there
Morsels of ice cream dribble down your throat
As you enter a store and the icy fumes tingle
Clear all the burning from your eyes
Days clear with clouds pillowing together
Forming lazy afternoons with nothing to do
Watching kids pass by playing some sort of sport

Cold swimming in the nearby creek
Or taking a walk through the park
Lying on the floor and looking up toward the ceiling
Dancing, prancing, swaying to the music
Talking with friends, doodling, or watching TV
A cold drink in hand and thoughts of good times
The sun falls away and the stars invade toward the front
Collapsed
Exhausted
Breathless
Eyes flicker like a dying light
That finally lays to rest
Some may say it was a waste of a day
But when it ends, you may feel as though
Nothing could have been better

self

2009-03-27T02:08:00.000-07:00

something about this music brings out my feelings.

these soundtracks to dramas. they're good. the effect is good. some people say I have too much emotion. But I think I don't have enough. Even though it may seem like I express everything. I actually hide a lot of it inside.

and it sucks, you know? not being able to tell someone about how you feel. honestly. without holding back. I felt like with a girlfriend maybe I could accomplish that. get through the day. talk to someone who really cared about me. cared deeply about what i was doing everyday and really wanted to know how my day went and wasn't just asking to be polite.

I feel like all my posts are the same. I just rant about love or about how depressed I am. I don't feel depressed right now. Just sort of annoyed at life. Like not sad. But still a little pessimistic. My therapist makes it seem so easy to just change my ways and to become an optimistic person. But I feel like it's so ingrained in me. A part of my nature. Something that I can't change without changing who I am.

I don't really know. I think I tend to say that a lot. "I don't know" or "I dunno". Because I really don't. I feel ignorant. I feel like so much of life is beyond my grasp. Like I'm an amateur at everything. I want to become a professional. A person who's good at something. A person people look up to. Cause maybe then I'll feel like I have some purpose. Right now I just feel like I'm living day to day to day to day just getting by. Doing work and hanging out. Doing work and hanging out. Every weekend just sleeping a bit more and going to parties. Then going back to work on the weekdays. And even if I go on vacation, I'll probably just feel like it's an extended break from the inevitable work I need to do. To better my future.

Why am I so wrapped up in this idea of a better future? I blame my parents. To be honest. But it's not their fault. They've succeeded because they did, in fact, think hard about their future and work hard towards the end goal of a well-off, successful, happy family. Which I believe we are. I guess seeing this success, this happiness, as I grew up, I wanted to emulate my parents. Especially my dad. He enjoys the work he does. He enjoys the research. He loves his job. He found an interest in math in junior high and high school and has been with it ever since. Getting a PhD from Yale. And getting all these awards and publications. Having a job and a life where he can retire in the end with dignity and respect from his community. I always dream of a life like that.

I don't really know what I want for myself. My friend brought up a good point yesterday. She said to "do whatever makes you happy".

At first I thought, "well obviously". But then I froze.
I guess the words really hit me then. I realized then that everything I've been doing. The things I've been learning and the work I've been doing for clubs and such. It's all been painful, a struggle. Why do I torture myself like this? Why can't I do things that genuinely make me happy? I feel like I'm never at rest. I'm never at peace with myself. Each day is an uphill battle against the overwhelming forces of schoolwork and other things that want to tear me apart. Like this world is against me. And my feeble attempts go unnoticed.

And it's hard cause. I don't want to complain too much. Everyone goes through hard times. And I've got it pretty good. My family is in good shape. We don't have any money issues. I go to Berkeley and have a good shot at life. But I'm still depressed and have these problems. I don't understand where it comes from. I should be happy.

I guess the reason why I wanted a girlfriend, and the reason why I work so hard toward "getting" one is because I feel like it's a direct result, a immediate gratification, for the work I put in. Like a video game or something. I can see the results before my eyes. I remember with my ex-gf. I would be on campus taking a midterm or at home doing a bunch of practice problems. Or writing an essay or something. But I truly believed from the bottom of my heart that it was worth it. Because I got to see her later. And that brought me some comfort.

Maybe I'm missing comfort in my life. I think it has to do with my self-confidence issues. I never acknowledged the fact that I have little self-confidence. But I think that's where it all comes from. This insecurity. This need to be wanted. This search for purpose. Even though I may act confident on the outside, give speeches, or talk to people lively, on the inside I'm shivering a lot of the time. I try to think of what I need to say. what I can say. how to make things go smoothly. so that they'll think of me better. so that I can feel like I have some place in that group of people. this is what i feel. and it's honest.

Wow, I'm so tired. I really should get back on a normal sleep schedule. I've been sleeping at 3AM every day and waking up at like 1PM. It's pretty bad.

Maybe I can overcome these self-confidence issues someday. I look forward to that day.

digging up the past

2009-03-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

Lee posted one of his old stories. I started wondering what I would think of my old stuff. I have this folder on my computer called "my poems". I've written 81 poems, most of them in junior high and high school. I used to be a good poet. After high school, the inspiration for them stopped. And now I suck at writing creatively.

I'll share some of the stuff I wrote. I don't like most of it cause it seems juvenile, but some of it still retains some sort of artistic worth.

This is a little sad (and corny) but it's funny how some things never change:

Change The Past

Sometimes I wonder if I could change it all
Change the past, so that I would never fall
Change the way you slipped away from me
To suddenly be everything that I want to be

But, to know that you're never coming home
To know that I'll always be left alone
Reality grips me and makes me realize
I lost it all and now I only fantasize

I cry sometimes at my hopelessness
Anything would be so much better than this
The pain of losing everything that I care for
To be shot down from the skies, and never again to soar

At nights I imagine I'm holding you in my arms
Protecting you from anything that could cause you harm
And then I open my eyes to tell you that I love you
But there's no one really there...
Only the air...

And I pray to god that I'll do whatever it takes
To have what I thought I deserved in the first place
I'm not even religious, but still, I'm desperate
Hoping that someday, somehow I could earn it

Please let me change the past so I never lost you
So that my arms are still full and you say "I love you too"
So that all my nightmares would finally go away
So that the pain fades, and at last, things go my way

But I think of it all and sigh
No... no... nothing is fine
For all these things are lost for good
They're only my wishes
And I can't change the past...

maybe I'm desperate

2009-03-25T23:33:00.000-07:00

I dunno. Maybe I'm desperate.

I tend to like girls. Why is that such an issue? I like girls who are smart, nice, and cute. Unfortunately, those criteria apparently aren't enough. Because at Berkeley, there are a ton of girls that fit these conditions. But I don't want to force myself to find more ways to narrow my choices down. I mean, I am choosey when it comes to a relationship. Little things bother me. But when I first meet a girl, unless she's blatantly breaking one of the three criteria (especially mean girls), I will like her. And then I'll try to pursue it to some degree, be it adding on facebook or chatting or whatnot. It's a constant flirting game.
But to be honest, I really should find more ways to narrow down my options. Some would think with the relationships I've had already I would have some idea of what I want. But on the contrary, I think I've become more inclusive of different girls. The excitement of different types of girls. I don't want to say I'm down with all girls.

The smartness factor. If a girl is dumb, or not very smart, it totally turns me off. Seriously. That might be more important to me than looks. Dead serious. That takes out like 90% of the available girls out there. Then the nice factor. If a girl is smart, that's great and all, but if they're mean or if I get a bad first impression, they're totally crossed off my list as potentials. They have to be a nice, sweet, innocent girl to fit my ideal. Usually though, I'm more lenient on this one since almost all girls are tainted in one way or another. Finally, the cuteness factor. I really like cute girls. But I guess my definition of cute is weird to some people. I find girls cute when other people don't. And it's strange because I don't particularly like HOT girls. I like cute girls. Maybe it's cause I feel like hot girls are more likely to cheat or get hit on by other guys. Or maybe it's because cute girls have that innocent thing going on. I'm not sure. Anyway, yeah. My scope for cuteness is wider than for most people. Which isn't bad per say, but it would help if it were a bit more narrow so that it wouldn't fit like 80% of girls in a room. Which happens sometimes. I feel awkward.
I can't say the order of these factors because they're all pretty important. I wouldn't be able to give up one for another. As I said earlier though, Berkeley has a bunch of smart, cute, and nice girls. It's a matter of picking out of the bunch.

My friends have accused me of liking "whomever as long as it's a girl". At first I thought about it and didn't think much of it. But now it's sort of offensive. Like I'm easy to please. Which might not sound bad, but it makes it seem like anything's okay and that I have no preferences. Which isn't true.

I guess the deciding factor would be whether or not the person fit with me on a personal level, personality-wise. But that's so hard to figure out until way after. And then by then you might realize that you guys are just better off as friends. It's a difficult process. The whole courting business sounds great, but I've always been wary of being in that in-between step of a friendship and relationship. It seems so awkward not being able to tell one side from the other. And when something is taken too far.

But yes. I guess the main point I'm trying to make is that I get attracted to girls very easily. Like, currently, this is embarrassing to write, but I have several "prospects", as in girls I find attractive at Berkeley. And I try to nitpick at the girls to find something I don't like so I don't have to keep finding them attractive. So I can just move on to the friend stage. But sometimes it just doesn't work. So yeah. I'm stuck. The best thing would be to force myself to like them as friends and to not even think about a relationship. Because it's just painful and time-consuming. But it feels so natural. My primal, carnal instincts kick in when I meet an attractive girl and tell me to keep at it. So that maybe I can mate and have children. At least that's how it's supposed to go in nature.

I'm just trying to tell it how it is.

Hm... I think I missed a point. I think it might have been the body.
I'm not too picky when it comes to body type. I think. For boob size, I think anything is fine as long as it's more than flat but less than ginormous. I think I tend to like the smaller sizes though, like B cups. Whatever that means. I never really figured out the relative sizes. Maybe I could work in a bra shop or something so I can get a better idea. No, that's stupid.
And then there's height. I definitely can't do with a girl that's taller than me. I've always been in support of tall girl/short guy couples, but I don't think I could do one myself. Something inside of me (or maybe society's influences) makes me feel like I need to be the dominant one in the relationship. And that includes height.
I think the most important part of body type is weight. As in whether a girl is fat or not. I know that sounds shallow, but I already explained in my last last post that I'm shallow. So whatever. I'll just say it: I don't like fat girls. It's just unattractive immediately. That's just what I feel. Now, I know that everyone's definition of fat is different. But being Asian and being surrounded by very thin people for most of the time, I perceive a little fat as pretty fat. I really should change that though. It's sort of hindering and kind of mean.
Let's see... what else. Oh I guess race is important. To be honest, I don't think I've ever liked any black girls. As in found them attractive. Maybe one or two. Literally. I've found some latina girls attractive. But for the most part I concentrate on Asian and white girls. I used to be all for white girls back in junior high. But then in high school, I started liking Asian girls too. I think it's because I started exploring my own culture instead of just American culture and realized that Asian girls had a lot in common with me. And now, I feel like I'm only attracted to Asian girls. I think it might be the cultural influence, the fact that it's so much easier to talk to them since we have things in common already. Like the music we listen to, the dramas we watch, or the food we eat. There are just more things to talk about and agree upon. There are once in a while some white chicks who are really into Japanese culture. And then they find me attractive just cause I'm Japanese. It's sort of weird. Like a fetish. But just in general, I haven't found white girls as attractive as I once did.

I think that's all the criteria I can think of.

I mean, I don't want to limit myself to these conditions. I'm just stating the observations I've been making along the way.

Anyway, the gist of this post is that I have these criteria. I match them up to girls at Berkeley to find ones that I would want to have a relationship with. But then there are a lot of girls who fit these criteria and I end up liking multiple girls. And I'm trying to change that. Also, the deciding factor is the personality and whether we have things in common, but that's hard to figure out unless you really get to know the person on a deeper level. I think the problem might be that I think of a girl as a potential mate before thinking of her as a friend.

I might have made this post long so I could avoid writing my E45 Lab Report. But I think I'll start on that now. TALLY HO!

and once again

2009-03-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

I need to reduce my dependence on the internet and electronics in general. I find it near impossible though.

I think I live on Facebook. Literally. If it were a place, it'd be my room.

damn it Jordi, why can't you just tell him the truth?

2009-03-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

man today was... fair.

I feel bad cause I haven't gotten any work done. I have a bunch of things I planned to do. But it's already freakin' Tuesday night. Actually, I guess that's not too bad. I still have Wednesday through Sunday. But yeah, I haven't gotten much done. I started reviewing for my Anthro midterm, which is on the week we get back. But other than that, I've been taking it slow. Let's see... nobody cares but I'll just list it here anyway.
1) study for Anthro midterm (on Spanish missions in Alta CA)
2) do E45 lab report (gonna be a bitch)
3) do E45 hw 7
4) read up and review physics (i'm not understanding the electricity stuff... ugh)
5) do the bio worksheet from last lab

that might not seem like a lot. but i get anxious with even a little bit of responsibility. why the hell am I an officer for 2 clubs? I mean, the experience is definitely worth it. But I feel so stressed a lot of the time. lol. oh well.

I just uploaded the new DBSK album to this asian music forum. I hope people appreciate it. Well, it's not like I bought it. I downloaded it illegally, like they will be doing. But I get a certain sense of satisfaction when people thank me for an upload. Like I'm doing the world some good. No matter how small it may be.
I remember I used to be really active in forums for Visual Kei, this one subgenre of JRock. I would spend my spare time downloading and uploading music for people to share. I mean, I loved the music itself, but being able to share the music with other people and being a sort of "gatekeeper" for the music made me feel good. Like I was an important figure. I mean, it was all just a front. No one really cared. They just liked the music. But I still felt good about being able to do some good.

Ugh. I have so much time left in break. But I feel like I'm wasting it all.
I went to the movies today and watched Watchmen with some high school friends. But even then, I felt like I was taking valuable studying time away. Like everything I'm doing to relax is a distraction from work. GRRRRR. I can't escape this feeling. This constant anxiety. Right now the anxiety is low. But it's always there. It never disappears. Even after the term is over, I worry about the next term or summer school or whatever it may be. Maybe that's why people drink. to forget about their problems. That's what I was doing anyway. It didn't work out so well. I'm glad I don't drink anymore.

I miss the romance I used to have in my life. It gave me a good feeling to know that I was working toward something that made me feel warm inside. I mean, doing work and doing well in school gives me some feeling of accomplishment, but it's not emotional. It's almost static. Like, "Oh, nice". But I never feel strongly about school and research and work. Unless by feeling strongly you mean bad. Cause when I get a bad grade, I get freakin' depressed. Like my E45 midterm. Ugh. I hate thinking about it.

I digress. Yes, a relationship. It's such a tricky thing. Since I'm in college, there's little chance it's gonna continue into marriage. I mean, I used to say to other people that it's good experience. But now I realize that I don't feel good knowing that something will come to an end. Life will end. I know that. But I want my love to be everlasting, that is, keep going on until my death. I really wonder if I'll be able to find that. My parents did. I'm lucky that my parents love each other so much. So many families out there with broken parental relationships. Even if they don't get divorced, they yell at each other, etc.
I dunno. The warm feeling is nice. The hand-holding. And the sex to some degree. But I think that's more of a secondary thing. Compared to the comfort and security anyway.

That's all for now.

Am I a bad person?

2009-03-24T00:25:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I haven't been this happy in a while. There are a bunch of factors. But I dunno. lol. All I hope is that it lasts.

Well, to start off, I woke up at 8:15AM today. I don't really know why. I think I awoke to the sound of my parents talking or making coffee or something. I went out to the living room, and that's when I realized that my favorite kid's show was coming on soon. So I stayed awake. And then at around 8:20, it came on! GURU GURU DOKKAN!!! It's that one show where a guy in a big dog costume and this girl are surrounded by these cute babies in costumes. They all do this dance together. And the babies are always so cute! :D I just want to pick them up and pinch their cheeks. After that wonderful surprise, I ate some good breakfast and fell asleep again until 1:30PM.

So that was good. The other good thing today was that I went to go get a massage at Massage Envy. The lady wasn't super pro, but it felt good. It was a little expensive, but worth it I think. I had a bunch of kinks in my back cause of all the awkward sitting and stress.

But I think what made my day was the World Baseball Classics. The final game was today, Japan vs. South Korea. At the end of the 9th inning, it was tied 3-3. But in the end, Japan won 5-3. I was yelling so hard with joy that my parents freaked out. I was so happy. To be able to win something so grand. So epic. It was a great feeling. There was so much on the line in terms of honor and pride.

And now I have a big bottle of soda next to me. Playing some good music, SuJu's new album. And I had some good cookies from Nugget earlier. Also a great dinner my mom made. Today was just really good.

Now onto my analysis. Although I did feel good today, I learned a couple things about myself that I found a little weird. I think I'm 1) racist and 2) shallow.

The racist part comes from the baseball game. I was rooting for Japan. Which in itself is fine. But at the same time, somewhere deep in me, I felt as if Koreans were inferior. And usually it's a joke. But somewhere along the line, when I was yelling at the TV screen and hoping for Korea to mess up on their batting, I felt a certain sense of elitism. I felt like we could win the game cause we were a better people. I'm only saying this cause I feel it. I mean, I would never blatantly take away rights from Koreans or anything like that. But I felt, in winning that baseball game, somehow superior. Like an "In your face!" sort of feeling.
If it had been Japan vs. Venezuela or something, like in 2006, I probably wouldn't have gotten riled up. But the fact that it was against Korea sent me into racist mode. And I feel sort of ashamed. I want my generation to change. To be more accepting. But how can I do that if even I still hold these stupid, old ideas in my mind?

Now for the shallow part. The lady today at the massage parlor was really fat and not very attractive. To put it frankly. I don't like being mean, but she really was. I talked about this with my friend online and we agreed that fat people were hard to look at, especially when they tried to wear tight clothing that only seemed to emphasize their weight.
Now, I know what you guys are thinking. "What the hell, Tomoya? That's so mean." Yeah, I know. I'm writing this with the notion that it's wrong. But why is it so wrong? I mean, I know that the inside matters just as much as the outside and that pretty people can be stupid or really mean. But after all of that is said, outward appearance I think is still very important. And being overweight is not just unhealthy, but unsightly. Maybe it's hard to look at because it seems so unhealthy. I don't know. But I've always had a thing against fat people. Cause people around me are almost always thin. My family and my friends. Some people can't help the fact that they're fat. Like a genetic condition. I feel sorry for them. But even in those cases, I think it would make most sense to wear something modest. To not wear things (especially tight, showy things) that would show off the fat. It's just unattractive.

I feel bad saying these things. Cause modern society has slowly shaped us into becoming more accepting, more tolerant of different people. But somewhere in my mind, my id, my instinct, I feel racist and sexist and shallow. And it's up to my societally-influenced super-ego to counteract that and remind me that it's "wrong". Don't get me wrong. I want this world to become more tolerant. But why is it so difficult to overcome this natural feeling of hatred of outgroups and difference?

Maybe I'll learn better when I grow older.

day of defeat

2009-03-22T23:48:00.001-07:00

Ugh. What is this feeling?

I can't seem to relax. I feel like I need to be doing some work. But it's only Sunday. I should be enjoying myself and just doing WHATEVER I WANT. But I ended up doing reading for anthro and thinking about the midterm next thursday. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just chill out and all that? I get so anxious when it comes to schoolwork. I spent like an hour setting up my fall 09 schedule today, which I've already spent countless hours on. I'm trying to figure out what the best coursework is for me to understand biomedical devices. I sent the BioE advisor an e-mail asking her for some advice. Hopefully it'll work out.

It kinda sucks because I used to be able to go to Bonnie's place every time I was bored during breaks. Maybe I was just using it as a way to cure my boredom. I don't like to think about it that way. Also, I think that's the first time I used Bonnie's name here. But I don't care. I don't want to hide it.

I get a lot of sleep. But I still feel tired. Tired in that lazy way. Where I don't want to do anything. But at the same time I do. I want to go out and shop or something. I want to be with friends and to laugh. I've been feeling nostalgic lately. It might be something that Alan said about looking back on the past. I try not to, he doesn't either. Just cause it's so painful. I tend to associate my bad experiences with the people of that time. I guess as a scapegoat? I don't even know. All I know is that I tend to think badly of people from my high school mostly cause I had such a shitty time in high school. I think badly of these people but it's actually me who is the pitiful one. I was so caught up in doing work, I didn't have any fun. And I don't want to admit my faults so I blame my "friends" and other people I knew in high school. It's a weird feeling.

The nostalgia goes farther though. To times I felt like I had fun. To times I felt like life was simpler. When I could genuinely have fun running outside or something.

I remember I used to be really into computer games. I used to even be in an online clan when I was around 15 or 16. It was for this game, Day of Defeat, an offshoot of Counter-Strike. I was really into it, as one can tell. I used to have techniques and strategies in the game. I would play endless rounds with these people that I didn't know. But playing the game together bonded us. We would chat through our microphones online. The fact that we were from so many different places amazed me. When I joined the clan I felt so accomplished. I was one of them. I had my own signature, handle, and was recognized as one of the "bros", like in a fraternity or something. What I miss the most about those days wasn't the fact that I was playing the game itself and racking up the points. The most important part was making those friendships. Even though it was online, it felt real. I even met some of the guys later in SoCal cause my family was taking a trip there. But that's besides the point.
I guess I've been bad at making and keeping friends my whole life. I've been trying to change that recently, but in middle school and high school, I created these friendships that only lasted so long. Mostly beacuse I didn't put that much effort into them. The friends I made through the game clan were special to me, because they didn't judge me based on how I looked. They liked me because I played the game well and because I meshed well with the other players. I remember I took the minutes for one of the online meetings we had over Ventrilo and I felt good when one of the officers commented on how good and detailed my notes were. I felt accomplished.
The biggest thing that sticks out in my mind from those gaming years is the sense of awe I felt when I was in the game. Sometimes it would be late at night, or some time of the day when people weren't on. I would get onto our server and then realize that no one was there. And when I started, I went out into the map and explored stuff. But somewhere along the way, I realized how alone I was. How the sound effects of the game were so real. The cannons and gunfire blasting in the distance. It was as though I were really that soldier in the middle of war-torn Europe. I felt tranquility in the solitude of my character in the game. The whole point of the multiplayer was the "multi" aspect. Playing with other people. But being alone in that virtual world made me feel so... I don't even know how to put it. The world was so big. It was epic. And I felt so small compared to the world. I felt wonder at how immense the task before me was. And when I came back to the real world, when I turned off the game, I returned to the real world. I realized that real life wasn't as epic, or as fun. But I still realized that the world before me was big and that the choices I had were endless. I felt hopeful, not in an optimistic way, but in a practical way. I had things I could do. And I knew that if I played my cards right, I wouldn't have to be standing in the middle of a war.

Those years of gaming changed my life forever.

coming home

2009-03-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

What to say, what to say?

I'm finally back home. And I'm glad. It's nice to see my family again, especially my mom. I had some home food for the first time in 2 months. It was delicious.

And now that I'm home, I don't know what I should be doing. I should be "relaxing". But video games and watching movies only goes so far. I know, it's sad. I don't know how to "relax". I need some help to do that. Maybe my therapist can help teach me.

I just got home today in the afternoon. I went to sleep pretty late yesterday, around 4AM. And I got woken up by my mom calling me at like 10:30AM. But for some reason, I wasn't groggy or grumpy. I felt fine. I think I might have woken up at the end of an REM cycle. Jordi's mom took me back to Davis and I slept a little in the car. And then I took another nap when I got back.

And here I am. I'm done with school for a little bit. A repose. When I come home, I realize that life isn't so bad. When I have a family who loves me. And a warm home. Sometimes these things seem to escape my view when I'm alone in my apartment. Speaking of which, I decided to move in with Jordi next year into his current apartment cause Lee and Peter are getting the hell out of there. I hope Lee's buddhist aura doesn't leave remnants in his room (soon to be mine).

I don't know what to say now. I'm not sad per say. I feel better than I did yesterday. I feel a little lightheaded. I'm not sleepy, but tired.

Usually words come out so easily. But tonight, my fingers are frozen on the keyboard. Maybe I just don't have that much to say. I just wish I had a warm body here next to mine. This nagging feeling for longing never leaves me. It's getting annoying.

falling

2009-03-21T02:44:00.000-07:00

It's fucking late.

And I haven't finished packing yet. My mom said that Jordi's parents would be coming to pick me up from 11-12pm. But Jordi said he could get them to come later. So I don't know what to expect.

Tonight was pretty sad. I went home and took a nap after class and woke up at around dinner time. I ate some quizno's that I had bought earlier. Then I webcast the bio lecture for Friday.

And I didn't have that much to do. Everyone was either already home or in the process. There were some who went on vacation to some foreign country. There were very few left here in Berkeley. There was almost nothing to do.

I went to I-House so that I could at least get out of my apartment. I met up with Alan, but I-House was so boring, we decided to go to Foothill to hang out with some other people. We played super smash bros. a little bit and then pool in the rec room. I played piano in there a bit and tried to play "Ice-man" by Ryo Yamashita. It's a ballad from the JDrama "Pride". Listening to it made me feel a little sad.

And I'm listening to it again right now.
It makes me a little emotional. Makes me think about things in the past. Like a happiness I used to have. It's so lonely. This world. I don't talk to people about it in real life. I just say it here on the blog and online and stuff. But it's always with me. This feeling of need for affection. This longing for some romance and some security in my life.

Asian dramas give me unrealistic expectations about life and love. That's a facebook group I'm in. And it's true. You can't expect life and love to go along like a drama does. So dramatically. So ideally sometimes.

Maybe I think too much. I don't know. But I always feel so lonely. I want to have a girl in my arms. But not just anyone. Someone I can trust and feel safe around. I want to have someone I can open up to and be vulnerable around. And have that person feel the same around me. But I'm so afraid of being hurt again. I don't know if it's worth the effort anymore. I'm in a dilemma. A dilemma that seems so insignificant. I could try a little harder and get into a relationship with some girl I know, a couple of whom I've found attractive. But if I do, there's almost 100% chance we'll break up sometime. And I'll just feel depressed again. I'll just lose something again. On the other hand, if I stay single, I'll feel depressed anyway, because I don't have anyone there.

I don't know how to deal with it.

My therapist mentioned something that made me think. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I did and how I could fix it. But he said that I was trying to look at the problem in an engineering perspective. But you can't just do that sometimes. I was feeling real pain and real emotions that you just can't control. I suppose that's true.

I don't know what the point is. All I want to do is to be happy. But why is it so hard to get through each day? Why am I so weak? Strong people don't need a romantic relationship to be happy. But I feel like unless I have one, I won't be able to move on. To have something to work towards. Like my life has no meaning unless I'm supported by someone and I support them. Family and friends are important to me, but for some reason, it's not the same. The intensity, the face-to-face aspect of a romantic relationship makes it so good. So tempting.

I know I'm not the only one. Other people feel like this too. But why does it have to be that way? Why is it that lonely people around the world stay lonely? And that life just seems to get harder as we go along?

I wonder. And the glimmer that used to be in my eyes fades away. It's replaced by a sadness. A hopelessness at this condition I'm in. Is it really that hard to be happy?

I want my heart to be lifted again by love because it's the only time I've felt so alive. But I don't want it to act like a crutch. I don't want it to be a game. I want to genuinely be happy. I don't know when that'll happen.

long-ing

2009-03-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks Jordi for keeping me company today.

I felt like I could release a little bit after all the stress from school. I can't believe I'm one class away from spring break.

I'm ready to go home and sleep for as LONG AS I WANT.

no more buzzing alarms in the morning.

But I dunno. I still feel strange. Kind of sad.
I think I miss being in love.

mixed feelings

2009-03-19T01:05:00.001-07:00

I feel happy today. Yet sad.

I'll outline it.
The Good:
1) Pretty sure I did well on the Bio lab exam today. A lot of the same questions I studied for came up, but I'm still not very confident.
2) Went to Asian ghetto today and asked Thai Basil if I could have the BoA poster that they had near the front. They said I could have it! So now I have it hanging in my room. :)
3) I'm done with school! Well, with midterms and stuff anyway. Just need to get by until the end of tomorrow...
The Bad:
1) Totally failed my E45 midterm. The average was 80. I got a 56. I was sooooo depressed after I got it back. I'm gonna go to my professor's office hours on Friday to try and get some extra points, but I doubt I'll get any. It pisses me off cause I knew how to do it once the GSI explained it to me. It was so simple. I'm afraid I'm gonna fail the class.
2) The CJC Budget is due on Friday. It decides how much funding we get for the next school year. Unfortunately, we procrastinated and didn't start it until last weekend. And now we're trying to finish it up last minute... Hopefully it'll work out okay.
3) GRRR. I'm trying to set up my Fall 09 schedule, but for some reason they decided to not have 2 of the 3 classes I was planning to take. So now I'm trying to switch things around and take other classes next semester. It's annoying cause I had like 2 backups, but neither of them are going to be offered. What the hell? I want/need to take those classes, and I don't want to waste a space for some random class I don't really want.
4) I'm not understanding the new Physics stuff on electromagnetics very well.

The terrible grade on the E45 midterm totally ruined my mood. ugh... I'll be lucky to get a B-.

Yeah, that's about it. I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed.

dandy

2009-03-17T00:10:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling alright today. That's a first. I usually feel crappy like all the time.

Maybe it was the human interaction I had today. I was working with Amy on the E45 HW at Unit 1 for the past couple hours. I'm actually here still right now. About to pack up and leave.

But yeah. I woke up early and had class all day, went home and didn't get much work done. But I feel fine. Not great. But fine.

I'm a little pissed though, cause the schedule of classes came out today and two of the three classes I wanted were unavailable, so now I have to look for other options before telebears in April. Plus I need to start thinking about research and what I really want to do with my 2 years left here at Cal. I want them to be memorable. I want Berkeley to have an impact on who I am. Not just the fact that it's a university. But the uniqueness of Berkeley itself.

I'm not getting much done in terms of Bio Lab. I kind of skimmed through my notes for the labs and only reread through some of the lab manual. I made a cladogram, which is nice, so I feel better about that. But as for the other stuff, I'm still a bit shakey. I'm making a bunch of stupid mistakes on the practice tests and I'm afraid it'll end up like that on the real one this Wednesday. I'm at the point though, where general review is not very helpful because it's so general. I've just been doing practice problems since yesterday.

But I guess I should review again tomorrow.

I don't know. Maybe the drugs are kicking in. Also, it might be because I'm taking those vitamin supplements. Maybe my body is doing a better job keeping me together. I'll never know.

I'm getting kind of sleepy. I'm gonna go get late night, go home, finish this practice test, and sleep. I'm actually looking forward to Anthro tomorrow morning. I realize that I enjoy humanities pretty often. My mom thinks I could have gone into any field.

But yeah. I hope I get into some good classes for Fall 09. I'm counting on there being some sort of technical elective I can take while I wait for those other damn classes to open up.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

a jittery tomorrow

2009-03-16T01:29:00.000-07:00

I really shouldn't be writing right now. I should be either studying or sleeping.

Man, I didn't get nearly as much work done this weekend as I would have hoped. I got all my Anthro reading done for the week, but I didn't finish my E45 HW as quickly as I thought I would. And I didn't review for bio lab as thoroughly as I wanted. I sort of skimmed all 6 labs. I made a cladogram for the chordates. it's pretty cool. but other than that, I'm sort of screwed. I just took the practice test (one of them) and messed up on a lot of parts.

God, I can't believe I have bio tomorrow morning at 8am. I hate going to early morning classes. My body is so tired. I usually have to drink coffee or an energy drink to keep me awake. Plus I'm always hungry, but I wait until lunch. I decided that this wasn't such a good idea, so I think I'm going to start eating health bars in the morning. The Cliff bars are really, really good. But they're so expensive. Like $2.29 each or something. Ugh. If they weren't so damn expensive, I'd eat them every morning. I actually bought some vitamin supplements, the ones that have everything you need, in daily tablet form. You have to swallow it with food though, so some kind of food in the morning would be best.

So yeah. I'm sick of school. I can't wait til spring break. I'm gonna take the first couple days completely off. Not do a damn thing. Just sleep all day and play wii maybe. Depends on if I bring it home with me or not. I hate taking the Amtrak all the way home. It's such a pain to carry everything by hand all the way to the train station.

But one thing I'm really excited about is that we had Sam's first senior campaign staff meeting today. We talked about the plan and how we were going to delegate responsibilities. I decided to be Facebook correspondant, since I spend my life on Facebook anyway. It's exciting to be an integral part of something so important.

For anyone reading this (and also going to Cal), vote for Sam! He wants to represent the engineering community, which is currently underrepresented in the Senate. He's a really chill, understanding, hard-working guy. I really hope he makes it.

Okay, I really need to check my answers to the bio lab practice test before I go to sleep.

SLEEPY.

everything

2009-03-14T00:05:00.001-07:00

This is fucking ridiculous.

Another Friday night by myself. I had so many opportunities to go out and do something. But I decided to stay home. Why do I do this to myself?

What is it that I'm doing to myself? My psychiatrist was saying how I was my own worst enemy. How I kept studying proactively, forewent relaxation or any fun, and tortured myself in order to do well in school or work or whatever it is I was doing.

I don't want to be that anymore. I want to be me, but something different.

I'm pretty depressed right now. I felt better after I ate some late night, but it's only temporary. I would like to say that there's a lot on my mind. But there's not. There's only a little bit on my mind. Mostly about how I have to finish my homework tonight so I don't have to worry about it as I study for my bio lab exam this weekend. The exam is on wednesday, but I'm completely unprepared so I've been planning the preceding days out in order to maximize study time. I'm so sick of tests. I'm so sick of school. And reading. And homework. I'm sick of myself. How I can't just put everything down. And give up. Cause sometimes I feel like that's the healthy option. But I keep going and doing work and thinking and thinking and thinking. and thinking. I think too much for my own good. I think about the near future, the far future, the past, the now, the "what I could have been doing", the "how much time I wasted". It makes me sick.

I'm so ugly. I don't like to look at myself. I might try to dress well. But that doesn't make up for the ugliness inside. Why else would I get dumped twice? And be used as a test boyfriend. There is no purpose to my existence in this world. None at all. I might try to make something of myself by studying really hard and learning more about the world, but it doesn't even matter. I feel like unless I'm useful to someone else, I'm not useful at all. And I feel like it's true to some degree. People will disagree with me though, say that you have to live for yourself. Well, how am I supposed to live for myself when I don't support myself? I should let myself die.

I don't want to worry my friends, but I've seriously considered suicide lately. I was gonna go to the nearest hardware or convenience store to buy a rope so I could make a noose. And I was walking by Evans Hall today and was thinking about how I could jump off the top like that one guy who did. I wonder what he was thinking when he did it.

I was walking on the streets of southside today. And several times I slowed to a stop. And I thought, "what am I doing?". If I stopped dead there, no one would notice for a while. No one would really care, since it's not them. This is what I honestly believe.

I also thought about slitting my wrists. Since I have a razor in my bathroom. But I figured that would be too painful. Bleeding to death.

I tried to think of things that would take the least struggle. Some mechanism where I wouldn't try to fight it. Where it would be instantaneous.

Now, I don't want people to freak out. Cause it just makes me feel weird. I just want to say this to say it. I'll probably never end up doing any of these suicidal things. But I'm just constantly depressed to the point where anything drastic seems to become possible.

I feel like maybe I'm missing affection in my life. Something that friends can't provide. Maybe it'd be easier if I was a girl. Girls can hug each other and cuddle or whatever and it'd be fine. Guys don't have that comfort. They are expected to man up and be strong. I go to school everyday looking around me at cute girls or caring girls, even girls I know kinda well. And I think about how it would be to be in a relationship with them. To have them love me and to love them back.

But then I think about how futile it is. How none of them would like me like that. And even if they did, it'd be temporary. Nothing would last into marriage. And any breakup would be even more painful than it is now. Cause breakups and the pain that accompany them just build up and stack up like a tower. With too much, it'll fall over. It'll crumble.

This life is just so shitty. I hate everything. Everything.

come closer

2009-03-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to feel right now.

I'm skipping physics today. I just don't feel like going. I just feel like sleeping. Which I will do after I finish writing this.

I went to go see my therapist today. I told him what was bothering me. Mostly about how I felt like I could never relax and that I was always feeling negative. How I was feeling nihilistic. Which, I want everyone to know, I'm serious about. I'm not saying my belief is in nihilism as a joke. I'm seriously a nihilist. As in, I believe there is no objective meaning or purpose to life.

After talking to him about it, I felt sort of relieved. Being able to talk to someone about it helps. I mentioned the fact about how I thought life was so trivial. The things we do. How we all die in the end. He said that what I said was true.
But.
He also said that life is short, finite. And he said that there is time to enjoy our lives. I want to make clear also that nihilism does not = unhappiness. He mentioned that I could be a happy nihilist. That even without a purpose, I could enjoy the things I do. Which is true. Another thing he mentioned, which I felt like I knew but I didn't think about, was that I could contribute to someone else's happiness through my efforts. Like becoming a teacher and to teach new things to enthusiastic students. Or become some sort of mentor.
When you think about it that way, it isn't so bad.

But I'm not completely convinced. I still feel negative, despite these pills. My therapist said he was going to work on my actions and my thoughts so that I could alter my biochemistry, which would in effect lift my mood.

But I'm still doubtful. I'm still tired. I feel like everything is so boring, so dull. So dumb.

I want to scream out loud.

I'm currently thinking of becoming a vocalist (screamer) for a band. Like the bands Alesana or Underoath. Seriously. I feel like I could write good lyrics. And maybe play guitar once in a while. I have so much anger, frustration, I think I could pull it off. It's a matter of whether or not my voice is good or not. I record myself from time to time singing, but I'm not very impressed. I don't have a very good vocal range.
My friend Motokazu is the vocalist for a local punk band, so maybe I could talk to him.

I dunno. It's just one of the dreams I have.

zero

2009-03-11T21:40:00.001-07:00

I had a very good conversation today with my friend. By good, I mean, enlightening, not happy.

We mostly talked about our feelings and our views on things. Turns out both of us are pretty negative. What is it that made us this way? I keep wondering. It's probably the way we were brought up. I'll never figure it out.

I'm dead tired right now. I just want to go to sleep. Which I could. I don't have any work that's really "due" tomorrow. Just have to study for bio lab and read for anthro.
I feel like my life is revolving around school. I want to stop this spinning, this routine. I want to put down the pen and slam my head into my desk. Really hard. So that maybe the desk will break and I can go to the hospital. Maybe then, I'll have a little variety in my life. A very painful, unnecessary change. But a change nonetheless.

I feel guilty. For people who actually read my posts, I worry them unnecessarily. I keep talking about how sad I am. But I feel like I need to let this out. And this is my only space to do so.

I've begun to notice how trivial everything is. How the happy, greatest achievements only last for minutes and hours, but the smallest mistake, the things that aren't supposed to matter, last for days and weeks and years.

.
.
.
.

I don't have good memories of anything. When I look back on my past, everything is dark. Everything is a mistake. All I remember are the things I did wrong. The things I could have been. The things I could have done better. Everything was an effort in order to get to where I am now. But for what? I'm just going to die. And nothing will change that. Nothing at all. Everything I learn will help me get money and eat and drink and have a family. To earn some respect and to learn more about the world. But I'll just die in the end. And even if what I write goes down in history, or people remember something I do... what is the point?
What's the point of living this life if all I feel is pain and the probability of tomorrow bring worse or just as worse is so much higher than of being better?
I'm just working day to day on schoolwork. Things that don't interest me. And I don't see anyone. I'm by myself. And even when I am with other people, I'm not calm. I can't seem to socialize at all. No matter my condition, my surroundings, I am unhappy.

People assume I'm confident because I'm the head of these clubs and I do my work diligently or whatever. People think I'm serious all the time. But that's only because I don't know how else to live. It's exactly what it seems. Like a disease.

I don't know where to turn. Because every turned corner provides new disappointments and new mistakes. My therapist is supposed to help me turn that around and think positively. I'm going to see him tomorrow. But I'm so afraid that I'll never be able to change.

I want my life to mean something.

oh poo

2009-03-11T01:40:00.001-07:00

I am so freakin' tired.

screw masteringphysics.